Eric the Unready

Eric The UnReady - Complete story (1000/1000 pts.)
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>w
Barn
The barn is old, but clean. The floor has been swept and
everything seems pretty much in its place. The cows are well
groomed, and they are contentedly chewing on their cuds in a
manner vaguely reminiscent of the farmer.
Set into one wall is a closed medicine chest. A rope hangs on
the wall, and the exit to the farmyard lies to the east.

>open chest
You open the medicine chest and discover a vial, a bottle and a
flask.

>take all
vial: Taken.
[Your score has just gone up by 2.]
bottle: Taken.
[Your score has just gone up by 2.]
flask: Taken.
rope: Taken.
[Your score has just gone up by 2.]

>e
Farmyard
You are standing in a tired looking farmyard that is in
absolutely no danger of finding itself pictured on the cover of
"Better Homes and Barnyards." An aging barn lies to the west,
and to the northeast is a small shack with a crescent moon over
the door.
A weatherbeaten farmer is staring at you impassively, his
expression vaguely reminiscent of a cow.

>ne
Privy
The inside of the privy is small, cramped, and smelly. It has
the requisite graffiti on the wall, as well as a few magazines
that you hope are intended for reading. The bench is a one-holer,
and through that hole you can see a pig happily rolling
around in the muck below. There is a hook on the wall. The only
way out is the small door to the southwest which leads back out
to the farmyard.
On the bench you see a newspaper.

>read paper
[Taking the newspaper first]
[Your score has just gone up by 2.]
*** Read all items ***

>tie rope to hook
You tie one end of the rope to the hook and throw the other end
down into the privy.

>down
You grab the rope and squeeze yourself down through the narrow
hole in the bench. Once through, you slide the rest of the way
down the rope and fall into the muck below with a disgusting
'plop.'

Up To Your Knees In It
You are up to your knees in... stuff. A rope hanging from
above provides the only exit. A startled pig is here, eyeing
you warily.

>eat shit
A waiter appears out of nowhere, sets up an elegant table, and
lays a place setting for one. He lights the candelabra and
says, "Our specials today are shit pate, shit under glass,
roast shit, broccoli, and shit florentine. For a wine we
have... we have..." He stops in mid sentence and slaps himself
on the forehead. "Oh my gods, we're all out of wine. You can't
eat shit without wine! I'm so embarrassed." He packs up his
materials and disappears.

>kiss pig
Nothing happens. Perhaps the enchantment will only be broken if
the farmer is present.

>give hog-wild to the pig
The pig eagerly sucks down the contents of the bottle, which
magically vanishes into thin air. A shiver passes through the
sow's body and she suddenly seems much more interested in you
than before. Without warning, she makes a leap for your leg,
wraps her own stubby legs around it, and hangs on for dear
life.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>up
You climb back up the rope, dragging the pig along with you.

Privy
The inside of the privy is small, cramped, and smelly. It has
the requisite graffiti on the wall, as well as a few magazines
that you hope are intended for reading. The bench is a one-holer.
There is a hook on the wall, attached to which is a sturdy
rope. The only way out is the small door to the southwest which
leads back out to the farmyard.

>sw
Farmyard
You are standing in a tired looking farmyard that is in
absolutely no danger of finding itself pictured on the cover of
"Better Homes and Barnyards." An aging barn lies to the west,
and to the northeast is a small shack with a crescent moon over
the door.
A weatherbeaten farmer is staring at you impassively, his
expression vaguely reminiscent of a cow.
You stumble out of the privy, dragging the pig along with you.
"I've done it," you announce to the farmer. "Here's your pig.
If you'll just sign the work slip then I'll be on my way."
The farmer remains expressionless. "You're not done yet, lad,"
he says. "That's still my only daughter, and you've got to kiss
her to remove the enchantment. But remember - no tongues!"
The pig bats her eyelashes, puckers her lips, and wiggles her
haunches suggestively.

>kiss pig
Slowly your lips approach those of the slime-covered animal.
Finally you close your eyes, take the plunge, and give the pig
a resounding smack right on the lips.
At that moment you hear a voice from beyond the gate, "Hullo,
Daddy, I'm back. Did you miss me? I just popped over to Auntie
Mae's to get some apples." She catches sight of your
manure-covered figure. "Uck. Who's this?"
The pig drops off your leg and trots over to the girl to
investigate her apples. The farmer looks embarrassed for about
a tenth of a second and then says, "Well, well. Sorry about
that. No harm done, though. Why don't you go into the barn and
wash up, and I'll fill out your work slip."

>w
Barn
The barn is old, but clean. The floor has been swept and
everything seems pretty much in its place. The cows are well
groomed, and they are contentedly chewing on their cuds in a
manner vaguely reminiscent of the farmer.
Set into one wall is an open medicine chest, and the exit to
the farmyard lies to the east.
You walk into the barn covered head-to-toe with muck. To the
cows, you look like a monster from "Return of the Swamp Thing."
They bolt from their stalls and stampede for the door, knocking
out the main strut that holds up the barn. As the barn begins
to collapse around your ears, you hear a low rumble and realize
from long experience that this is the time to make your exit.
[Your score has just gone up by 25.]
You awaken to a new day. You are lying on your bed in the
castle barracks. You try to get up, but discover you can't. You
recall that you were so tired last night that you tumbled into
bed without removing your armour. After your excursion into the
privy, that appears to have been a bad move - now the armour is
rusted shut.

Barracks, on the bed
These are the spartan living quarters of those knights who
don't earn enough money to have their own castle. Currently,
you are the only resident. The only exit is to the east.
On the bed you see a card.

>read card
It's a warranty card from Giovanni's House of Armour that
guarantees that your armour will be rust free for one year
after purchase. There is a sketch of a suit of armour on the
card, with your measurements written in alongside it.
Come to think of it, the sketch looks a lot like the one
that's in your game manual.

>wait
Time passes...
Your squire runs in and shouts, "Princess Lorealle the Worthy
has been kidnapped. All knights must..."
He stops in mid-sentence and wrinkles up his nose. "PHEW!!
What's that smell?!?" He covers his nose and continues. "All
knights must report to the Union Hall immediately!"
He runs out.

>wait
Time passes...
Your squire returns and says, "Let's go, Sir Eric! Everyone is
waiting."
Only then does he notice your predicament. He starts pulling
bits of rusted armour off of you while breathlessly filling you
in on the details.
"The Princess returned from a carriage ride yesterday and she
retired immediately to the royal baths - which nobody quite
understands, because she had already bathed once that day.
Anyway, when she finished, she went to bed early. When her
handmaidens went to wake her up today, she had disappeared! Now
they're going to assign the quest to rescue her, and we're
going to miss it unless you get moving!"
He pulls off the last piece of armour and races out the door.

>take all
helmet: Taken.
card: Taken.

>e
[Getting off of the bed first.]
Courtyard
This is the courtyard of King Fudd's castle, a towering pile
of towers and turrets that Fudd himself designed with the help
of his court wizard. The entrance to the castle lies to the
north, and next to it is a tall tower with a strange,
dish-shaped collection of wires on the top. There is a window
high up in the tower, and a garden at the base. The entrance to
the barracks lies to the west, and the town itself lies to the
south.
You see a newspaper here.

>read newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
*** Read all items ***

>n
A bleary-eyed porter appears and says, "Begging your pardon,
sir. But we 'aven't recovered from last night's binge yet.
Would you mind coming back a little later?"
Before you can answer, the porter disappears.

>s
Village Square
This is the village square. The courtyard lies to the north,
the Union Hall to the east, the village green to the south, and
the armoury to the west.
The Sergeant-At-Arms appears out of nowhere and drags you to
the Union Hall. Then he takes up a position in the entrance
that makes it clear that no one is going to be able to get out
until he steps aside.

Union Hall
The Union Hall is the place where all the knights come each
morning hoping to be assigned one of the day's quests. It's a
tired-looking room with a trophy case in one corner and
pictures of famous knights lining the walls.

>wait
Time passes...
You overhear the conversation of some fat old knights sitting
in the back of the hall.
"Soft, I calls 'em. Coddled. One good melee, a few severed
limbs, and half of 'em would go running home to their mamas."

>wait
Time passes...
"And look at that fancy equipment. In our day we didn't have
lances. We had long sticks that we sharpened with our teeth.
And helmets? We used kitchen pots on our heads and hoped for
the best."

>wait
Time passes...
"And what about those crossbows? In the old days all we had
were long poles and bits of string. Half the time the thing
would break in our hands and send the arrow flying into our
stomachs. And then we'd die because we didn't have proper
medicine. Not like today, with all them fancy leeches and such.
In our day if we needed to bleed we'd gnaw a hole in our wrists
until we hit an artery. After it drained for a while we'd tie a
rag around it real tight and then wait for the hand to fall
off."

>wait
Time passes...
"Not to mention how they run sieges nowadays. Now it's
catapult this and battering ram that. In my day we'd send five
hundred screaming maniacs running up to the castle wall to form
a human pyramid. Then some unlucky bastard would climb up to
the top while the defenders poured boiling oil on his head.
Then if by some chance he made it, they'd hack him to bits with
their swords. But did that stop him? No. He'd run down to the
inner gate and use what was left of his body as a counterweight
so the rest of us could rush in to kill all the livestock and
rape the women. Or was it the other way around? I'm a little
fuzzy on the details."

>wait
Time passes...
The room falls silent as the shop steward comes in. He faces
the troops with a pained expression on his face and begins to
speak.
"ERIC?!?" shouts one knight. "That incompetent? Why our
treasury still hasn't recovered from the cost of rebuilding
Ulric's House of Torches."
"Yes!" shouts another. "And Farmer Berthold the Cheap still
hasn't figured out how to get that chicken out of his cow's
butt. How can you pick Eric?"
"SILENCE!" roars the shop steward. "The decision has been made
and the decision is final."
The knights start to file out of the hall, glowering at you as
they pass. A few of the older ones are angrily gnawing at their
greaves. Soon you are left alone.

>w
Village Square
This is the village square. The courtyard lies to the north,
the Union Hall to the east, the village green to the south, and
the armoury to the west.
While you were in the Union Hall, a crowd was gathering in the
village square. You elbow your way to the front of the throng
and learn that they have come to see Ponce, the most famous
bard in all of Torus. Despite his fame, his prices are
reasonable, as evidenced by the sign at his side.
Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin
and says, "A man walks into a barber/surgeon's office. On his
head is a bright green frog. The barber/surgeon asks, 'What's
the problem.' The frog answers, 'I'd like to have this wart on
my ass removed.'"

>read sign
"JOKES: One copper penny.
SONGS: One silver penny.
THE EPIC OF BALDUR: One gold coin."
Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin
and launches into a long song about a knight and his chaste love
for the wife of the king.

>w
Armoury
Giovanni's House of Armour is a small, pleasant shop that
specializes in tailor-made suits of armour. It is run by a
small, pleasant man named Giovanni. The exit to the street lies
to the east.
Giovanni looks up as you come in and says, "Bonjourno Eric.
Whatsamatta for you?"

>give card to giovanni
"You gotta da problem? I fix."
He rummages behind the counter and says, "Whatta was your
gauntlet style again?"
[To learn the correct answer, you can either spend the rest of
the day making a series of wild guesses, or you can consult the
armour diagram in your game manual.]
*** Answer the copy protection questions ***
Giovanni pops back out from behind the counter and says,
"Hokay. We got it now. Comma back nexta week and I gotta brand
new suit for you. Untila then, weara dissa cloak. Isa finest
quality. Last worna by wizard himself."
He tosses you a cloak.

>wear cloak
You put on the cloak.

>look in pocket
Within the pocket you can see a packet.

>take packet
You take the packet from the pocket.

>look at packet
It's a small packet that reads, "Rapid grow beans. Just plant
in the ground and add water."
Inside the packet you see a single bean.

>e
Village Square
This is the village square. The courtyard lies to the north,
the Union Hall to the east, the village green to the south, and
the armoury to the west.
A crowd has gathered in the village square. You elbow your way
to the front of the throng and learn that they have come to see
Ponce, the most famous bard in all of Torus. Despite his fame,
his prices are reasonable, as evidenced by the sign at his
side.
Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin
and says, "A knight attending a royal feast lets out a giant
belch. The King looks at him and says angrily, 'How dare you
belch before the Queen?'
The knight says, 'I didn't know she wanted to go first.'"

>s
Village Green
This is the village green. Ye Olde Ice Cream Shoppe is to the
east, the village square lies to the north, and Ulric's House
of Torches is to the west. The green runs down to the shore of
the village duck pond.
On Ulric's you see a torch.

>take water with helmet
You dip your helmet into the pond and fill it with water.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>n
Village Square
This is the village square. The courtyard lies to the north,
the Union Hall to the east, the village green to the south, and
the armoury to the west.
A crowd has gathered in the village square. You elbow your way
to the front of the throng and learn that they have come to see
Ponce, the most famous bard in all of Torus. Despite his fame,
his prices are reasonable, as evidenced by the sign at his
side.
Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin
and launches into a long song about the mother of all jousts.

>n
Courtyard
This is the courtyard of King Fudd's castle, a towering pile
of towers and turrets that Fudd himself designed with the help
of his court wizard. The entrance to the castle lies to the
north, and next to it is a tall tower with a strange,
dish-shaped collection of wires on the top. There is a window
high up in the tower, and a garden at the base. The entrance to
the barracks lies to the west, and the town itself lies to the
south.

>n
Feasting Hall
This is the fabled feasting hall of King Fudd. The Knights of
the Rhomboid Table are rowdily cavorting.
A doorway leads up to the queen's chambers, but it is guarded
by an alert soldier.
In the fireplace you see some kindling.

>talk to guard
*** Talk about everything ***

>take kindling
You take the kindling from the fireplace.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>s
Courtyard
This is the courtyard of King Fudd's castle, a towering pile
of towers and turrets that Fudd himself designed with the help
of his court wizard. The entrance to the castle lies to the
north, and next to it is a tall tower with a strange,
dish-shaped collection of wires on the top. There is a window
high up in the tower, and a garden at the base. The entrance to
the barracks lies to the west, and the town itself lies to the
south.

>plant bean
[Taking the bean first]
You plant the bean in the garden.

>water bean
You pour the water out onto the bean. There is a flash of
light, and suddenly a tall, thin beanstalk spirals up the side
of the tower.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>climb the beanstalk
You clamber up the beanstalk.
The beanstalk shrivels up and disappears.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>s
Village Square
This is the village square. The courtyard lies to the north,
the Union Hall to the east, the village green to the south, and
the armoury to the west.
A crowd has gathered in the village square. You elbow your way
to the front of the throng and learn that they have come to see
Ponce, the most famous bard in all of Torus. Despite his fame,
his prices are reasonable, as evidenced by the sign at his
side.
Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin
and launches into a long song about the quest for the Holy Grill.

>s
Village Green
This is the village green. Ye Olde Ice Cream Shoppe is to the
east, the village square lies to the north, and Ulric's House
of Torches is to the west. The green runs down to the shore of
the village duck pond.
On Ulric's you see a torch.

>w
Ulric rushes out to meet you and says nervously, "Sir Eric!
What a pleasure to see you again! It's a pity that you caught
me just as I was about to close. But here - why don't you take
this torch. It's on the house!"
The shopkeeper wrenches the torch free from the wall and
presses it into your hands. Then he retreats into the building
and flips over the sign so it now reads "Closed."
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>e
Ice Cream Shoppe
This is a small ice cream shop that is extremely cold and
uncomfortable. A teenager stands behind the counter shivering
almost uncontrollably, even though he is wearing lots of heavy
clothes and some earmuffs. On the wall behind him is a sign.
There is a fireplace in the corner. The only exit is to the
west.
"Welcome to Baskin' Bobbin's," says the boy. "It's a pleasure
to meet you."

>Put kindling in fireplace
You put the kindling in the fireplace.

>light kindling
[With the torch]
You hold the torch to the kindling. It catches fire
immediately. A flame licks out and burns your hand, and you
drop the torch itself into the fire, where it is quickly
consumed.
Soon the room is roasting hot. Bobbin says, "Thanks. I guess I
won't be needing these anymore." He removes his earmuffs and
tosses them to you.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>w
Village Green
This is the village green. Ye Olde Ice Cream Shoppe is to the
east, the village square lies to the north, and Ulric's House
of Torches is to the west. The green runs down to the shore of
the village duck pond.

>n
Village Square
This is the village square. The courtyard lies to the north,
the Union Hall to the east, the village green to the south, and
the armoury to the west.
A crowd has gathered in the village square. You elbow your way
to the front of the throng and learn that they have come to see
Ponce, the most famous bard in all of Torus. Despite his fame,
his prices are reasonable, as evidenced by the sign at his
side.
Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin
and launches into a long song about seven castaways on a
deserted island.

>give gold coin to bard
The bard abruptly stops singing and pockets the coin. He clears
his throat and begins speaking:
"'THE EPIC OF BALDUR'" he announces dramatically.
"In the great days of Baldur, many years ago, when the land
was dark, a brave knight ventured into the Forest of Doom..."
Something about the bard's voice makes you want to close your
eyes and drift off to sleep.
Suddenly, you notice that another gold coin has appeared in
your hand!

>wear earmuffs
You put on the earmuffs. You can still make out the bard's
voice, but it doesn't put you to sleep like it did before.
Everybody around you starts to get drowsy.

>wait
Time passes...
Everyone around you seems to have fallen asleep.

>wait
Time passes...
Ponce sees that you haven't fallen asleep. Then he notices the
earmuffs and says, "What a great idea! This story is so boring
that even I have to work hard to stay awake."
"If it's so boring," you ask, "why do you keep it in your
repertoire?"
"Because if you're a bard, people expect you to know it.
Besides, I've heard that it's a favorite of the Knights of the
Rhomboid Table. Despite all the honors I've received in my
career, I've still never performed in Fudd's Feasting Hall. The
Epic of Baldur is my best chance to make that dream come true."
"Well, if performing for the Knights of the Rhomboid Table is
so important to you, I can arrange it. All you have to do is
follow me. Are you interested?"
"Most certainly! Just give me a moment..." The bard walks over
to the sleeping crowd and shouts, "Wake up! Show's over! Go
home!" The people climb groggily to their feet and then stumble
away. Then the bard turns back to you and says, "Lead on, young
man. Whither thou goest, thither shall I follow."

>n
Courtyard
This is the courtyard of King Fudd's castle, a towering pile
of towers and turrets that Fudd himself designed with the help
of Bud the Wizard. The entrance to the castle lies to the
north, and next to it is a tall tower with a strange,
dish-shaped collection of wires on the top. There is a window
high up in the tower, and a garden at the base. The entrance to
the barracks lies to the west, and the town itself lies to the
south.
Ponce follows you.

>n
Feasting Hall
This is the fabled feasting hall of King Fudd. The Knights of
the Rhomboid Table are rowdily cavorting.
A doorway leads up to the queen's chambers, but it is guarded
by an alert soldier.
Ponce launches into the Epic of Baldur. The hall instantly
falls silent. "In the great days of Baldur..."
You wait until the soldiers have all fallen asleep.

>up
As you reach the bottom of the stairs, you hear the bard say,
"And thus endeth the Epic of Baldur."
The revelers slowly begin to awaken from their slumber.
A drunken knight looks up at you and yells, "Hey! Ish the
mighty Sir Amric hishelf. How didja get that quesh, sonny. It
shoulda been me."

>wait
Time passes...
Another knight speaks up. "You? Hah! I'M the one who should
have received the quest. My armour is the shiniest of anyone
here."
"Oh yeah?" replies the first knight. "Blow it out your
pauldron, pal."

>wait
Time passes...
The two warring knights leap to their feet. A third jumps
between them and says, "Peace, brothers. This is no way for the
Knights of the Rhomboid Table to behave."
The two knights look at each other, lower their heads, and
then simultaneously slug the interfering knight in the jaw. He
staggers back into some other knights, who catch him and help
him launch a counter-attack.
Soon the entire room has become a chaotic melee of knights
hacking and slashing at each other.
Ponce looks at the warring behemoths and says, "That's good
enough for me. I'm outta here." He gives you a copy of the
commemorative book he gives all his clients, and then leaves.

>s
A drunken soldier blocks your path and says, "Where do you
think YOU'RE going, shorty?"
Suddenly a cold wind blows through the chamber and the knights
suspend the fighting. Bud the Wizard appears in a shower of
sparks and says, "Hold, Knights of Fudd! Know ye not that the
rightful hero of this quest has been determined by the stars?
Let us go to the village green, where the gods have prepared a
sign that we might truly learn the identity of the knight who
has been destined since the beginning of time to quest forth in
search of the Princess Lorealle."
Bud waves his hand, and suddenly the entire company is
magically transported to the village green.

Village Green
This is the village green. Ye Olde Ice Cream Shoppe is to the
east, the village square lies to the north, and Ulric's House
of Torches is to the west. The green runs down to the shore of
the village duck pond.
You see a stone here.
In the stone you see a banana.
One after another, all the knights try to pull the banana from
the stone. They all fail. Eventually a hush falls over the
group and everyone looks at you expectantly.

>take banana
You grasp the banana and pull it effortlessly from the stone.
You turn to face the assembled multitude and raise the banana
high over your head.
"Behold!" you cry. "EXCALIBANANA!"
You pause for dramatic effect, and then continue, "Ye are all
witness - I have pulled the sacred banana from the stone!"
The knights stare at you for a moment, and then one of them
says, "Stupid quest, anyway." "Probably get killed," another
says. "I'd bet on it," says a third.
"How much?"
"Ten gold pieces."
"Will you give odds?"
"Thousand to one."
The knights cluster around the oddsmaker, trying to get a bet
down against your success, and they all wander off in a clump.
Suddenly the air around you shimmers and Bud the Wizard
appears once again. This time, he has brought the furnishings
of his room with him.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]
Bud disappears, and once again you are alone.

>throw banana in pond
An arm emerges from the water and catches the banana. It waves
the fruit around three times and then slides back down into the
water. As it disappears from sight, you hear a mighty
thunderclap. The noise scares some horses that were grazing
nearby. They bolt towards you. You catch a bridle, but can't
control the horse. The herd thunders toward Ulric's House of
Torches and levels the building completely.
You lose your footing and get dragged several miles. By the
time you work yourself free, you find yourself at the edge of
the Enchanted Forest. Exhausted from your day's efforts, you
lay down to rest.
Cemetery
This is a very spooky cemetery on the eastern edge of the
Enchanted Forest. It is dotted with decrepit gravestones. One
particularly large sepulchre is nearby looking like an
oversized square bathtub with a lid on it.
On the lid you see a newspaper.

>read newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
*** Read all items ***

>w
Enchanted Forest
You are deep in the heart of the enchanted forest. Sinister
looking trees loom all around you, and every time you look
away, you could swear you see them changing positions out of
the corner of your eye. One tree in particular seems to be
regarding you with evil intent, its gnarled roots look like
they're just waiting for an opportunity to trip you up.
The way back to the cemetery lies to the east, and the path
continues on to the west.

>give float to the tree
[Removing the float from the backpack first.]
The liquid seeps into the ground at the base of the tree.
Suddenly all the roots spring straight up like the hair on the
back of a scared cat. They start to quiver, and then they begin
to weave around drunkenly. A few of the smaller ones start
singing a song about their dear mother that they left behind in
Ireland.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>w
You squeeze by the weaving roots and head deeper into the
forest.

Clearing
You have arrived in a clearing at the very center of the
forest. An enormous tree grows here, and the wizard's words
immediately echo in your mind: "The Pitchfork of Damocles is
entangled in the leaves of the tallest tree in the Enchanted
Forest."
Barely able to contain your excitement, you sight up along the
tree. High above you, the trunk branches out - into roots!
Slowly, even for you, comprehension dawns. The tree is growing
upside down! Whatever leaves it may have must be hidden
underground!
At the base of the tree is an unruly pile of branches. The way
back into the forest lies to the east.

>move branches
You push aside the pile of branches and discover an ancient
trap door set into the ground.

>open door
You grasp the ring and pull. The door creaks open, creating yet
another opportunity for a neat sound effect.
You see a gloomy set of stairs leading underground.

>down
You start to feel your way down the stairs. As soon as you
disappear below ground level, you hear a crash overhead.
Looking up, you see the trap door quivering with satisfaction
that it has lived up to its name.
You continue down the stairs, and at the bottom you walk
through a revolving spiked turnstile. On the other side of the
door is a sign.

West of House
You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with
a boarded front door.
You see a small mailbox here.

>open box
You open the mailbox and discover some mail.

>read mail
[Taking the mail first.]
[Your score has just gone up by 2.]
It's a notice from the Dwarves' Clearing House:
"Yes, FONDOR BINDLECRANK, you may have already won the GRAND
PRIZE in the 115th annual MAKE-A-WISH SWEEPSTAKES. Soon you and
all the little BINDLECRANKS could be enjoying the dream of a
lifetime. Simply bring this winning notice to our headquarters
in the great cavern, and our courteous and friendly staff will
tell you which of our FABULOUS PRIZES you have won, with
ABSOLUTELY NO SALES PRESSURE to buy one of our magazines or sit
through an incredibly boring presentation on vacation real
estate."

>read sign
"Do not back up. Severe hero damage!"

>w
Cavern
This is a huge underground cavern. There are buildings to the
northeast and south. High above you, the branches of a tree are
sticking down from the roof of the cavern. In the branches, you
see the Pitchfork of Damocles. The little white house lies
somewhere out of sight to the east.

>ne
Fran's Rock Emporium
You walk into a veritable showcase of rocks. Big rocks, little
rocks, shiny rocks, dull rocks. Precious stones. Base metals.
The only exit is to the southwest. Behind the counter is Fran,
a plaid-clad dwarf.
"Can I interest you in anything?" Fran asks.
"I was looking for something in a rock," you reply.
"Ah! Well you've come to the right place. Just look around and
let me know if there's anything that catches your fancy. And
remember - there's a free bungee cord with every purchase to
lash the rock to your cart to help you get it home."
In the counter you see a headrest special and a starter rock.

>sw
As you head for the door, Fran rushes up to you and says, "No
first-time customer of Fran's ever leaves empty-handed." He
thrusts a pickaxe into your hands. "This is a miner's starter
kit, courtesy of the Torus Department of Public Works. Use it
in good health, and next time you need a rock, be sure to come
to Fran's."

Cavern
This is a huge underground cavern. There are buildings to the
northeast and south. High above you, the branches of a tree are
sticking down from the roof of the cavern. In the branches, you
see the Pitchfork of Damocles. The little white house lies
somewhere out of sight to the east.

>e
West of House
You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with
a boarded front door.
A path winds off to the west, and to the north is the
revolving spiked turnstile through which you entered. Next to
the turnstile is a small, hand-lettered sign.
You see a small mailbox here.

>open door with pickaxe
You slip the business end of the pickaxe under the board and
give it a good heave. The board pops loose and you push it to
one side.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>e
You squeeze through the opening in the door and find yourself
in a kitchen that reeks of garlic. A quick survey of the room
reveals nothing of interest. Holding your breath, you dash into
the living room.

Living Room
This is a dark room with a trophy case along one wall and an
ancient oriental rug on the floor. Stairs lead up to the second
floor, and the kitchen lies to the west.
In the trophy case you see a beard.

>pull rug
You roll back the rug and discover a trap door!
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>open trap door
You struggle with the heavy door and manage to raise it a few
inches.
A muffled voice comes from somewhere down below: "Haven't you
people bothered me enough already? Go away!" A frail white arm
emerges and hands you a key. Then it disappears into the
darkness again and pulls the door shut after it with a decisive
"BANG!"
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>open case
[With the key]
You unlock the case with the key and it swings open.

>take beard
You take the beard from the trophy case.

>up
You race up the stairs.

Bedroom
This is a small bedroom on the second floor of the house.
There is a pile of bones here that appears to have fallen
through a hole in the ceiling that leads to the attic.

>search bones
You sift through the pile and discover a driver's license which
you immediately pick up.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>down
You race back down the stairs.

Living Room
This is a dark room with a trophy case along one wall and an
ancient oriental rug rolled up on the floor. Stairs lead up to
the second floor, and the kitchen lies to the west.
You see a trap door here.

>w
You dash through the kitchen and out the hole in the door.

West of House
You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with
a boarded front door.
A path winds off to the west, and to the north is the
revolving spiked turnstile through which you entered. Next to
the turnstile is a small, hand-lettered sign.
You see a small mailbox here.

>w
Cavern
This is a huge underground cavern. There are buildings to the
northeast and south. High above you, the branches of a tree are
sticking down from the roof of the cavern. In the branches, you
see the Pitchfork of Damocles. The little white house lies
somewhere out of sight to the east.

>wear beard
You put on the beard.

>kneel
You kneel down.

>s
You shuffle off painfully on your knees.

Publishers Clearing House
This is the lobby of a small building. There is a dwarf
standing in front of a wall full of redwood clocks. The only
way out is to the north.

>give mail to ed
The dwarf hauls out a redwood clock and starts to hand it to
you, then he gives the ticket a bored glance. "My gods! An
actual winner!" He quickly recovers his composure and says,
"Ahem, that is to say, ANOTHER winner, among many in our fine,
absolutely legal with no hanky-panky, sweepstakes." He compares
your number to one on his list. "Well, MISTER BINDLECRANK, I'm
happy to say that you've won an all-expenses paid..." He
glances up at you and says. "Oh, I almost forgot. We've been
getting some fraudulent claims recently. May I see some sort of
ID please?"
The beard begins to itch.

>give license to ed
He glances at the license and says, "Alright FONDOR
BINDLECRANK. Let's see what you've won. It's an
ALL-EXPENSES-PAID day at the magical DWARVES THEME PARK,
courtesy of the Magic Construction Company." He takes you by
the arm and walks you out into the great cavern. There, like
high-speed time-lapse photography, a construction crew builds a
huge theme park right before your eyes.
The dwarf pats you on the arm and says, "Enjoy!" He
disappears.

Cavern
You are standing on the midway of a crowded carnival. Right
next to you is a huge ferrous wheel whose cars almost brush the
leaves of the tree hanging down from the cavern roof. To the
west is a game booth. To the southeast and southwest are rides.
Fran's Rock Emporium can still be entered to the northeast, the
Dwarves' Clearing House is still visible to the south, and the
little white house lies somewhere to the east.
One of the seats of the ferrous wheel dangles in front of you.
You see a lever here.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>w
*** Win memmory game ***
"You win, 12 pairs to 5. "Congratulations! " he says. "Here's
your prize. It's a really great slingshot, but be careful - its
magic is that it will hit whatever you shoot at." He hands you
the slingshot.
"Well, goodbye. I really enjoyed playing the game with you,
but I don't have any more prizes. You can come back whenever
you like, though, and we'll just play for fun. See you later."
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>sw
You enter a maze of twisty passages, all alike. After about
twenty minutes you stumble back out.
You can't take the itching any longer. You rip off the beard.
You tire of hobbling around on your knees and stand up again.
A dwarf family wanders by. The father addresses your navel.
"Great costume. The kids really go for that goofy looking human
stuff. I worked my way through Rock U doing the same sort of
thing." He presses a 20 zonkmid piece in your hand. "Good luck
to you." The family wanders away.

>ne
Fran's Rock Emporium
You walk into a veritable showcase of rocks. Big rocks, little
rocks, shiny rocks, dull rocks. Precious stones. Base metals.
The only exit is to the southwest. Behind the counter is Fran,
a plaid-clad dwarf.
"Can I interest you in anything?" Fran asks.
"I was looking for something in a rock," you reply.
"Ah! Well you've come to the right place. Just look around and
let me know if there's anything that catches your fancy. And
remember - there's a free bungee cord with every purchase to
lash the rock to your cart to help you get it home."
In the counter you see a headrest special and a starter rock.

>buy starter rock
Fran reaches below the counter and hands you a rock about half
the size of a dwarf's fist. "For twenty zonkmids we have this
fine starter rock. And with every sale a free bungee cord to
lash the rock..." He stops in mid-sentence, looks first at the
diminutive rock and then at the cord. "Oh well," he continues,
"you might as well take the cord anyway. I got a deal on 'em."
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>sw
Cavern
You are standing on the midway of a crowded carnival. Right
next to you is a huge ferrous wheel whose cars almost brush the
leaves of the tree hanging down from the cavern roof. To the
west is a game booth. To the southeast and southwest are rides.
Fran's Rock Emporium can still be entered to the northeast, the
Dwarves' Clearing House is still visible to the south, and the
little white house lies somewhere to the east.
One of the seats of the ferrous wheel dangles in front of you.
You see a lever here.

>push lever
You throw the lever and hear a faint 'click'.

>sit
You sit down in the chair. Just outside the seat, but within
easy reach, is a control box with two buttons on it, one green
and one red.

>put starter rock in sling
The rock fits snugly into the slingshot.

>press green button
The wheel starts to spin. You climb higher and higher. Now you
are almost to the very top, and you can see the pitchfork just
ahead and above you. Far below, you can see the theme park laid
out on the cavern floor. You can see Fran's Rock Emporium and
the Dwarves' Clearing House. You can even see the lever,
although it looks like a matchstick from this height.

>shoot red button
You take careful aim and fire away. The rock speeds through the
air and strikes the button, halting the ferrous wheel. You are
now directly below the pitchfork.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>stand
You stand up.

>take pitchfork
You stretch out and grab the pitchfork!
[Your score has just gone up by 25.]

>tie cord to branch
You hook one end of the bungee cord to a sturdy branch, and the
other to your clothing. The cord seems to relax and lengthen,
as if it knows you are about to ask it to stretch a long
distance.

>jump
You do a swan dive off the seat. Gaining speed as you approach
the floor of the cavern, you wonder if you should have read the
small print on the bungee cord - the part where the lawyers say
that if the product doesn't work, it's not their fault. At
least, you think, I'm not trying this at home. Then, just as
you come face to face with an ant, the bungee reaches its limit
and snaps you back. You bounce a few times and then come to
rest a few feet above the ground.
Just as you start congratulating yourself, the far end of the
cord comes free and you fall the remaining few feet to land
flat on your face in the dust. Dazed but unhurt, you struggle
to your feet and pick up the bungee cord.
You are immediately surrounded by a crowd of cheering dwarves.
"Thank you for removing the dread pitchfork which has been
hanging over our heads lo these many years. In gratitude, we
would like to give you this rock." The crowd parts and Fran
walks up carrying the headrest special. He gives it to you. The
crowd disassembles the theme park, and then melts away.

>e
West of House
You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with
a boarded front door.
A path winds off to the west, and to the north is the
revolving spiked turnstile through which you entered. Next to
the turnstile is a small, hand-lettered sign.
You see a small mailbox here.

>e
You squeeze through the opening in the door and find yourself
in a kitchen that reeks of garlic. A quick survey of the room
reveals nothing of interest. Holding your breath, you dash into
the living room.

Living Room
This is a dark room with a trophy case along one wall and an
ancient oriental rug rolled up on the floor. Stairs lead up to
the second floor, and the kitchen lies to the west.
You see a trap door here.

>up
You race up the stairs.

Bedroom
This is a small bedroom on the second floor of the house.
There is a pile of bones here that appears to have fallen
through a hole in the ceiling that leads to the attic.

>drop rock
You drop the headrest special.

>up
You step onto the rock and pull yourself up into the attic.

Attic
You are in a very dark, musty room. The ceiling seems to be a
stone slab. It is dark enough in here that you are likely to be
eaten by a gnu.

>up
You push aside the slab and climb out. You are in the middle of
a graveyard. Mystic types surround the sarcophagus you just
climbed out of. They were in the middle of some ritual. They
drop their torches in panic and flee. The underbrush catches
fire quickly and the forest starts to vibrate with a low
rumble. You recognize the symptoms of a completed quest and do
a little fleeing yourself.
You run for what seems like hours through the dark forest,
tripping and falling over roots, and scattering all your
possessions to the four winds. At last you emerge on the other
side and collapse in exhaustion on the road near a tavern.
Road
You are standing on a road in front of a tavern that has an
orange thatch roof. You can go north into the tavern, or west
along the road. The smouldering ruins of the enchanted forest
lie beyond a barricade to the east.

>n
Tavern
You enter the tavern and take a seat at the bar. A waiter
glides by. He waves a menu at you and says, "I'll be right with
you." On the wall behind the bar is a display of a wide variety
of keys and key blanks. In front of it, a young man stands
reading a manual called "Keys to Success." There is a sign over
the bar.
On the counter you see a newspaper.

>read newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
*** Read all items ***
After several moments, the waiter comes and stands in front of
you. "Hello," he says. "My name is Bruce and I'll be your
waiter today. I'll just give you a moment here to settle in
and then I'll be right back to let you look at the menu." He
bustles off to wait on another customer.

>talk to bruce
*** Talk about everything ***
A patron in one of the booths orders a Mead Lite. Someone in
the next booth says, "I'll bet he ordered that because it has
less taste than regular Mead." "No," says someone else, "He
ordered it because it's more filling."
"Less taste," replies the first.
"More filling!" insists the second.
The drink arrives and the customer takes it. "You're both
wrong," he says, chewing off the top of the bottle. "I order it
because I like the easy-opening bottles."
He spits out some glass shards and drains the bottle, which
then magically disappears. The other customers lapse into an
uncomfortable silence.
Bruce wanders by again and says, "Thank you for waiting. For
today's specials we have..." He clears his throat and sings.
"Fa-la-la-la-la, Mead Florentine, Mead Florentine, Mead
Flo-o-o-o-o-rentine. And Smokey Tra-la-la, Smokey Tra-la-la,
yes Smokey Tra-la-la-la Mountain Mead." He finishes with an
exaggerated flourish and bows deeply from the waist. Then he
says, "I'll be back in a minute to take your order."

>talk to howard
*** Talk about everything ***
Bruce pauses briefly on his way to another table. "Everything
all right here? Good!" He minces away.

>read the sign
"Howard Johnston's #1
Cross Keys Inn
Keys made, drinks served."
You catch Bruce's eye from across the room. He nods and waves
his menu, but then he gets distracted and moves on to another
customer.

>read book
As you open the book, a coupon flutters out and you grab it in
midair. When you return your attention to the book, your eye
falls on the lines, "In the great days of Baldur..." You
immediately begin to feel sleepy, but you manage to snap the
book shut before any serious damage is done.
Bruce finally comes and stops in front of you. "Sorry for the
delay," he says. "It's a madhouse in here today." He starts to
hand you a menu, but just then you hear a rhythmic clapping
start up in the kitchen. "My Gods!" squeals Bruce, "I'm on."
He snatches back the menu and runs off to join a stream of
waiters who are pouring out of the kitchen. They stop in front
of another table and sing,
"Happy, happy birthday
From Cross Keys Inn to you
Happy, happy birthday
May all your dreams come true.
Y-a-a-a-y!"
The waiters file out, and Bruce wanders off to serve another
customer, forgetting all about you.

>read coupon
"Good for 5 free acting lessons with the bard."
Bruce floats by and says, "Have I told you about our specials?
Good." He wanders off again.

>give coupon to bruce
Bruce's eyes pop out of his head. He absent-mindedly hands you
a menu while he reads the coupon. "I would kiss you," he says,
"but this isn't that kind of game." He stuffs the coupon into a
private area of his clothing and moves on to help another
customer.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>read menu
*** Order "Mead Lite" ***
Bruce says, "Certainly." He disappears for a brief second and
brings back the drink. You attempt to open the bottle, but the
cap seems to be stuck.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
A patron in one of the booths orders a Mead Lite. Someone in
the next booth says, "I'll bet he ordered that because it has
less taste than regular Mead." "No," says someone else, "He
ordered it because it's more filling."
"Less taste," replies the first.
"More filling!" insists the second.
The drink arrives and the customer takes it. "You're both
wrong," he says, chewing off the top of the bottle. "I order it
because if I drink enough of this swill I might get to meet the
Swedish bikini team."
He spits out some glass shards and drains the bottle, which
then magically disappears. The other customers lapse into an
uncomfortable silence.

>s
Bruce floats over and plucks the menu from your grasp. "Can't
have our customers walking off with our menus. But if you ever
return, I'll be SURE to deliver one to you personally. Bye
bye."

Road
You are standing on a road in front of a tavern that has an
orange thatch roof. You can go north into the tavern, or west
along the road. The smouldering ruins of the enchanted forest
lie beyond a barricade to the east.

>w
As soon as you start off down the road, you hear a rumbling
behind you. Turning around, you spy a huge ox-cart bearing down
on you. You dive into a ditch on the side of the road while the
cart passes. It is driven by a two-headed oaf who laughs at
your misfortune. The cart is laden with still-smouldering wood
from the enchanted forest.
As the cart pulls away, you read a sign on the back that says,
"How's my driving? Call 1-800-PISS-OFF."
You pull yourself to your feet again.

>w
You trudge off down the road.

Blicester Castle
You trudge along for a while and eventually the road comes to
an end in front of a castle. The castle looks well-nigh
impenetrable. Soldiers patrol the parapet, and the huge gate is
shut tight, but you see some iron rungs set into the wall near
one corner next to a large prickly bush. Unfortunately, the
rungs are situated directly below a pot of boiling pitch that
is manned by an alert-looking soldier. It looks as if others
before you have laid siege to the castle - you see a battering
ram, a large wooden rabbit, and a broken catapult here.
The road leads back east to the tavern.
One of the soldiers catches sight of you and says, "Zees castle
ees ze resting place of ze Crescent Wrench of Armageddon. Vous
must go away toot suite or we shall empty our noses in ze air
towards you."

>n
You start up the rungs. Another soldier runs to join the first
and together they tip over the pot of flaming pitch. You leap
to the ground just in time to avoid the fiery stream, but it
strikes the bush below, setting it afire instantly.
A few of the clumps of berries fall clear, but then the fire
quickly consumes the bush, revealing a hitherto hidden path
around the castle to the northwest.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>take berries
You take the berries.
You hear laughter from above. "You shameless picker of small
animals' noses."

>nw
You follow the path around the side of the castle. The wall
here is just as well defended as the first one. You walk the
length of it and turn the corner at the end, and suddenly
discover that the rear wall of the castle is missing! You walk
right into the keep and tap the owner on the shoulder.

Keep
The castle keep is dominated by a large, fortress-like central
tower. A door is recessed into wall of the inner tower just to
your north. On the wall hangs a key on a chain, below which is
a bronze proclamation that has a large wax seal on it. A
distinctive odor tells you that the stables lie to the east. A
set of stairs leads south up to the parapet, and a path leads
northwest back around to the front of the castle.
The owner whirls around and says, "Oh! Figured that out, did
you? We were hoping no one would discover our little secret
until after we'd managed to build the fourth wall. That's why
we put all that siege equipment out there - so people will
waste all their time trying to break in through the front door.
Still, here you are. Now I'm afraid I shall have to set the
attack turtles on you."
He blows a whistle, and all the soldiers leave their posts
along the walls and retreat into the central tower. The owner
drops some turtles on the ground, and then goes into the tower
and closes the door.

>give tort-ease to turtles
[Removing the Tort-Ease from the backpack first.]
You give the turtles a liberal dose of the Tort-Ease (TM). The
vial magically disappears, and then one by one the turtles keel
over until all you hear is the sound of little turtle snores.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>read proclamation
"Hear ye, Hear ye!
Be it known to one and all
That this key unlocks the door
To the inner tower of Blicester Castle."

>e
Stables
Your nose has lead you unerringly to the stables. Inside, you
see the cart that nearly ran you over in front of the tavern.
The two-headed oaf is still sitting inside, and the back of the
cart is still loaded with wood from the enchanted forest. One
of the branches looks like it could be one of the roots that
tried to trip you on your way through the forest. The only way
out of here is to the west.

>give mead lite to oaf
You give the Mead Lite to the oaf. Jake takes a long pull,
followed by Elrod. Jake says, "I love this stuff. It sure has
less taste than regular mead." Elrod shakes his head and
grunts, "No. Is good because is more filling."
"Less taste."
"More filling."
The heads square off against each other, intent upon their
argument.

>take branch
While their attention is elsewhere, you manage to grab the
branch.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]
"Less taste," shouts one of the heads.

>w
Keep
The castle keep is dominated by a large, fortress-like central
tower. A door is recessed into wall of the inner tower just to
your north. Between you and the door is a collection of the
meanest, nastiest, most asleep killer attack turtles you have
ever seen.
On the wall hangs a key on a chain, below which is a bronze
proclamation that has a large wax seal on it. A distinctive
odor tells you that the stables lie to the east. A set of
stairs leads south up to the parapet, and a path leads
northwest back around to the front of the castle.

>up
Parapet
You're standing high on the parapet that used to be occupied
by the castle's defenders. There is a pot of flaming pitch
here. A flight of stairs winds back down into the keep to the
north, and a set of iron rungs leads down to the south.

>light branch
You dip the branch into the flaming pitch. It immediately
bursts into flame and becomes a quite serviceable torch.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>down
Keep
The castle keep is dominated by a large, fortress-like central
tower. A door is recessed into wall of the inner tower just to
your north. Between you and the door is a collection of the
meanest, nastiest, most asleep killer attack turtles you have
ever seen.
On the wall hangs a key on a chain, below which is a bronze
proclamation that has a large wax seal on it. A distinctive
odor tells you that the stables lie to the east. A set of
stairs leads south up to the parapet, and a path leads
northwest back around to the front of the castle.

>melt wax
[With the torch]
You hold the torch just under the seal. It begins to soften
and then melt in little drops, until all that's left is a soft
blob of wax on the ground.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>put blob on key
[Taking the blob of wax first.]
You press the key into the wax, and when you remove it you are
left with a perfect impression of it.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>nw
Blicester Castle
You trot back around to the front of the castle. The huge gate
is shut tight, but you see some iron rungs set into the wall
near one corner. You see a battering ram, a large wooden rabbit,
and a broken catapult here.
The road leads back east to the tavern, and a path leads
around the castle wall to the northwest.

>e
Road
You are standing on a road in front of a tavern that has an
orange thatch roof. You can go north into the tavern, or west
along the road. The smouldering ruins of the enchanted forest
lie beyond a barricade to the east.

>n
Tavern
You enter the tavern and take a seat at the bar. On the wall
behind the bar is a display of a wide variety of keys and key
blanks. In front of it, a young man stands reading a manual
called "Keys to Success." There is a sign over the bar.
Bruce minces up to you. "A PLEASURE to see you again, sir," he
says, handing you a menu.

>give blob to howard
"NOW we're talking!" Howard grabs the wax impression and leaps
into action. Moments later, he hands you a shiny new key.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>s
Bruce floats over and plucks the menu from your grasp. "Can't
have our customers walking off with our menus. But if you ever
return, I'll be SURE to deliver one to you personally. Bye
bye."

Road
You are standing on a road in front of a tavern that has an
orange thatch roof. You can go north into the tavern, or west
along the road. The smouldering ruins of the enchanted forest
lie beyond a barricade to the east.

>w
You trudge off down the road.

Blicester Castle
You trudge along for a while and eventually the road comes to
an end in front of a castle. The huge gate is shut tight, but
you see some iron rungs set into the wall near one corner. You
see a battering ram, a large wooden rabbit, and a broken
catapult here.
The road leads back east to the tavern, and a path leads
around the castle wall to the northwest.

>nw
You follow the path around the side of the castle and back into
the keep.

Keep
The castle keep is dominated by a large, fortress-like central
tower. A door is recessed into wall of the inner tower just to
your north. Between you and the door is a collection of the
meanest, nastiest, most asleep killer attack turtles you have
ever seen.
On the wall hangs a key on a chain, below which is a bronze
proclamation. A distinctive odor tells you that the stables lie
to the east. A set of stairs leads south up to the parapet, and
a path leads northwest back around to the front of the castle.

>open the door
[With the shiny key]
You unlock the door and step inside.
*** Win Jeopardy game ***
Entrance
Gaily dressed crowds of people stream past you into a meadow
decorated with banners and pavilions. It is the St. Barchan's
Day fair, renowned across Torus as the liveliest festival in
the land. The entrance to the fair is to the north, and the
road winds up into the hills to the west. A herald stands
nearby, reading a proclamation from a scroll.
You see a newspaper here.
[Your score has just gone up by 25.]

>read newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
*** Read all items ***

>listen

>n
Fairgrounds
You join the stream of people and soon come to the heart of
the fair, a well-trampled meadow surrounded by food stalls,
tents and pavilions. The crowds swirl around you, revealing
occasional glimpses of strolling musicians, jugglers,
sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-eaters. In the very center
of the field is a striped maypole that is topped by a long red
scarf. Nearby, a whole boar is roasting on a spit that turns
under the watchful eye of a burly cook. Gaming areas lie to the
west and northeast. The stockade is to the east, and a path
leads north to a natural amphitheatre. You can leave the fair
by going south.

>n
Amphitheatre
You are sitting on a hillside that makes a natural
amphitheatre overlooking a stage. There is a sign here. Beyond
it, a path leads around north to the stage entrance, and
another leads off to the west.

>read sign
"TODAY'S EVENTS
11:00 am: The Story of the Dragon
Noon: Lily
1:00 pm: The Jugglers Vain
2:00 pm: Lily
3:00 pm: The Jugglers Vain
4:00 pm: The Jugglers Vain"

>wait 3 hours
Time passes...
The amphitheatre fills up. A storyteller comes out onto the
stage.
The storyteller leaves the stage and the amphitheatre empties,
marking the end of the tale.
Do you want to continue waiting? >>n

>s
Fairgrounds
You return to the heart of the fair, a well-trampled meadow
surrounded by food stalls, tents and pavilions. The crowds
swirl around you, revealing occasional glimpses of strolling
musicians, jugglers, sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-
eaters. In the very center of the field is a striped maypole
that is topped by a long red scarf. Nearby, a whole boar is
roasting on a spit that turns under the watchful eye of a burly
cook. Gaming areas lie to the west and northeast. The stockade
is to the east, and a path leads north to a natural
amphitheatre. You can leave the fair by going south.

>ne
Shooting Gallery
You have wandered into a shooting gallery manned by a friendly
looking barker. The pavilion is long and narrow, with three
rows of moving targets at the far end.
The barker gives you a crossbow and says, "Shoot at any target
you like."

>shoot target
You fire the crossbow, but the quarrel misses the targets.
A good looking girl wanders by and the barker lets out a loud
wolf whistle.

>shoot target
You fire the crossbow, but the quarrel misses the targets.

>shoot target
The crossbow strikes a target!
"Congratulations!" says, the barker. He hands you a chicken.
The barker calls out to a passing serving girl, "I've got the
time, honey, if you have the beer."

>shoot target
The crossbow strikes a target!
"Congratulations!" says, the barker. He tosses you a whoopee
cushion.

>shoot target
You fire the crossbow, but the quarrel misses the targets.
A shapely wench passes by. The barker ogles her and says, "Now
THERE'S a nice little package. Know what I mean?" He gives you a
nudge with his elbow

>shoot target
You fire the crossbow, but the quarrel misses the targets.

>shoot target
The crossbow strikes a target!
"Congratulations!" says, the barker. He tosses you a noise
maker.
The barker spots two women in the crowd and says to you, "The
blond one's mine. You can have the redhead."

>shoot target
You fire the crossbow, but the quarrel misses the targets.

>shoot target
The crossbow strikes a target!
"Congratulations!" says, the barker. He gives you an
apologetic glance and says, "You've already won one of
everything I have, but you're welcome to keep practicing if you
like."
A pretty young woman comes up to the barker and asks him for
directions. "You can go anywhere you want, baby," he says. "And
I'm just the man to take you there." The woman leaves in a
hurry.

>sw
The barker reaches out and grabs the crossbow. "Can't have
people walking off with the equipment," he says.

Fairgrounds
You return to the heart of the fair, a well-trampled meadow
surrounded by food stalls, tents and pavilions. The crowds
swirl around you, revealing occasional glimpses of strolling
musicians, jugglers, sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-
eaters. In the very center of the field is a striped maypole
that is topped by a long red scarf. Nearby, a whole boar is
roasting on a spit that turns under the watchful eye of a burly
cook. Gaming areas lie to the west and northeast. The stockade
is to the east, and a path leads north to a natural
amphitheatre. You can leave the fair by going south.

>w
Shady Area
This is a shady area just to the west of the meadow. There is
a three-handed elf here. Ranged out in front of him are three
shells - one red, one blue, and one green. He is constantly
moving the shells around, lifting first one and then another,
tossing a pea back and forth. On the tree behind him are some
woodcuts.
"Step right up, step right up. Who's next? Just a few minutes
of your life against the chance to win some woodcuts of the
lovely lady Lily. You, sir, would you like to play?"

>look at woodcuts
The elf has very shrewdly hung the woodcuts in such a way that
you can see they are silhouettes of Lily, but not much else.
The elf turns his attention elsewhere.

>look at red shell
It looks just like the other two, except it's red.
One of the strolling musicians wanders by. He plays the game
and wins, but turns down the prize.

>talk to musician
*** Talk about everything ***

>e
Fairgrounds
You return to the heart of the fair, a well-trampled meadow
surrounded by food stalls, tents and pavilions. The crowds
swirl around you, revealing occasional glimpses of strolling
musicians, jugglers, sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-
eaters. In the very center of the field is a striped maypole
that is topped by a long red scarf. Nearby, a whole boar is
roasting on a spit that turns under the watchful eye of a burly
cook. Gaming areas lie to the west and northeast. The stockade
is to the east, and a path leads north to a natural
amphitheatre. You can leave the fair by going south.

>n
Amphitheatre
You are sitting on a hillside that makes a natural
amphitheatre overlooking a stage. There is a sign here. Beyond
it, a path leads around north to the stage entrance, and
another leads off to the west.

>w
Pavilion of Tomorrow
The pavilion of tomorrow is packed with futuristic technology
which sets out what life on Torus will be like in the
not-too-distant future. On the main table are a hoop, a
chamberpot, a rubber band, an odd-looking kitchen device, a
viper's cage, a gong, a model of a catapult, and an aardvark.
On a pedestal off to one side is a very large leech.
The only exit lies to the east.
In the cage you see a viper.

>take band
You take the rubber band from the table.

>take leech
Carefully, you pick up the giant slug, taking care to ensure
that its sucker has no chance to attach itself to your skin.

>close shade
You lower the shade.

>put band on viper
Thinking very guilty thoughts, you put your hand inside the
cage and slip the band over the viper's mouth. The snake tries
to hiss at you, but it comes out, "Mmphmftk...."

>put cord on aardvark
[Removing the bungee cord from the backpack first.]
You hook one end of the bungee cord to the aardvark's collar,
and the other end to the edge of the table.

>take marble
As you reach for the marble, your fingers brush up against the
Cat-Jet III launching mechanism. The hair-trigger on the
catapult fires. The black marble arches through the air and
hits the closed window shade. The marble drops down into the
viper's cage and hits the viper square on the head. The marble
rolls out of the cage. The aardvark mistakes the marble for a
large, particularly juicy black bug and starts to give chase,
but is soon pulled up short by the bungee. Not to be stopped,
the aardvark unfurls his incredibly long tongue, which
unfortunately gets entangled in the switch that activates the
Crush-o-Matic. The huge weight falls to the floor and slams
into a floorboard which immediately pivots up and crashes into
the gong.
A very large, very stupid troll lumbers into the room.
"Display not touch!" he recites mechanically. He finds the
marble and reloads the catapult, then he winds the
Crush-o-Matic's weight back up to the top. Knuckles dragging
against the floor, the troll lumbers away again.

>stand on board
You stand on the end of the board furthest away from the
crusher.

>take marble
As you reach for the marble, your fingers brush up against the
Cat-Jet III launching mechanism. The hair-trigger on the
catapult fires. The black marble arches through the air and
hits the closed window shade. The marble drops down into the
viper's cage and hits the viper square on the head. The marble
rolls out of the cage. The aardvark mistakes the marble for a
large, particularly juicy black bug and starts to give chase,
but is soon pulled up short by the bungee. Not to be stopped,
the aardvark unfurls his incredibly long tongue, which
unfortunately gets entangled in the switch that activates the
Crush-o-Matic. The huge weight falls to the floor and slams
into the loose floorboard, sending you flying up into the air.
You do a double somersault in the air and land butt-first in
the chamberpot. You stagger to your feet and tug at the pot,
but it is now firmly attached to your backside. The marble
seems to have disappeared, and the only positive note is that
your activity doesn't seem to have alerted the troll.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>e
Amphitheatre
You are sitting on a hillside that makes a natural
amphitheatre overlooking a stage. There is a sign here. Beyond
it, a path leads around north to the stage entrance, and
another leads off to the west.

>wait 2 hours
Time passes...
The auditorium fills with fairgoers eager to see the famous
songstress, Lily.
As you get ready to leave, an usher comes up to you and hands
you a note.
Do you want to continue waiting? >>y
The amphitheatre fills. A troupe of jugglers comes on stage,
and they begin tossing bizarre objects back and forth between
them. After a while they challenge people in the audience to
toss them something they can't juggle.
Do you want to continue waiting? >>n

>give leech to jugglers
You toss the leech to the jugglers. As soon as one of their
special gloves touches the huge sucker, the leech sticks fast.
Another juggler comes over to try and help, but his glove gets
stuck as well. It quickly becomes apparent to the crowd that
the jugglers have failed the challenge, and they begin to boo.
The performers sheepishly remove their gloves, drop them on
the stage, and slink away. Once they are gone, the amphitheatre
quickly empties and the leech crawls away.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>take gloves
You take the gloves from the stage.

>s
Fairgrounds
You return to the heart of the fair, a well-trampled meadow
surrounded by food stalls, tents and pavilions. The crowds
swirl around you, revealing occasional glimpses of strolling
musicians, jugglers, sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-
eaters. In the very center of the field is a striped maypole
that is topped by a long red scarf. Nearby, a whole boar is
roasting on a spit that turns under the watchful eye of a burly
cook. Gaming areas lie to the west and northeast. The stockade
is to the east, and a path leads north to a natural
amphitheatre. You can leave the fair by going south.

>wear gloves
You put on the gloves.

>climb maypole
The gloves stick to the pole like jelly to a baby's face. You
clamber up to the top of the pole and pluck the boa from its
perch. You wave it over your head in triumph and then slide
back down to the ground, where you are greeted with cheers from
the assembled crowd.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>n
Amphitheatre
You are sitting on a hillside that makes a natural
amphitheatre overlooking a stage. There is a sign here. Beyond
it, a path leads around north to the stage entrance, and
another leads off to the west.

>n
The guard recognizes the boa and grudgingly ushers you into
Lily's boudoir.

Dwessing Woom
Lily's boudoir is filled with feminine touches. It is oddly
intimate for a room set in the middle of a fairground.
In the vase you see a weed.
Lily meets you as you come in and says, "Ewic! How thwilling!"
She sits down and continues, "I hope you enjoyed my show. I
noticed you in the cwowd and I couldn't help thinking to
myself, 'Wow! What a guy!'" She leans forward a little and
purrs, "I hope this will be the beginning of a beautiful
fwiendship."

>take weed
"Bwing me the boa, big boy, and you can have anything you
want."

>give boa to lily
"Oh Ewic! How thwilling!" She throws her arms around you and
gives you a kiss. Then she wraps the boa around your neck and
says, "You may weaw this as my champion, as you begin the
second half of the quest to pwove that you love me."
"SECOND part?" you cry. "But I did as you asked."
"Wapelling up a gweased pole shows agility, Ewic," she
replies. "And agility is nice, but it doesn't pwove that you
have the stwength and dawing I cwave. To demonstwate that, I
must ask you to bwing me the head of the Wavenous Waven of
Wangoon." She hands you the weed from the vase. "The Waven will
eat anything, as his name implies, but he especially loves this
kind of weed. You can use it as bait to entwap him."
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>s
Amphitheatre
You are sitting on a hillside that makes a natural
amphitheatre overlooking a stage. There is a sign here. Beyond
it, a path leads around north to the stage entrance, and
another leads off to the west.

>s
Fairgrounds
You return to the heart of the fair, a well-trampled meadow
surrounded by food stalls, tents and pavilions. The crowds
swirl around you, revealing occasional glimpses of strolling
musicians, jugglers, sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-
eaters. In the very center of the field is a striped maypole.
Nearby, a whole boar is roasting on a spit that turns under the
watchful eye of a burly cook. Gaming areas lie to the west and
northeast. The stockade is to the east, and a path leads north
to a natural amphitheatre. You can leave the fair by going
south.

>w
Shady Area
This is a shady area just to the west of the meadow. There is
a three-handed elf here. Ranged out in front of him are three
shells - one red, one blue, and one green. He is constantly
moving the shells around, lifting first one and then another,
tossing a pea back and forth. On the tree behind him are some
woodcuts.
"Step right up, step right up. Who's next? Just a few minutes
of your life against the chance to win some woodcuts of the
lovely lady Lily. You, sir, would you like to play?"

>wait
Time passes...
The elf turns his attention elsewhere.

>wait
Time passes...
One of the strolling musicians wanders by. He plays the game
and wins, but turns down the prize.

>give reed to musician
The musician's eyes light up. "Oh Thank You!" he cries. "I'm
back in business! Is there anything I can do to repay you?"
"Well," you say. "Now that you mention it, I wouldn't mind
having a look through those sunglasses."
"You can keep 'em," the musician says. "It's a small enough
reward for what you have done for me." He hands you the
sunglasses and runs off to find the other members of his band.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>wear glasses
You put on the sunglasses.

>play game
"Certainly sir," says the elf. He puts the pea under the blue
shell and starts moving the shells around. After a moment, he
stops and says, "Alright. Where's the pea?"
The magic glasses reveal that the pea is under the red shell.

>turn red shell
You turn over the red shell.
The elf's face falls and he looks quite a bit older. "You
win," he says. He gives you the woodcuts. "I've got to go find
a spot where people don't have glasses like that. I'm not
getting any younger, you know." He packs up his gear and
leaves.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>e
Fairgrounds
You return to the heart of the fair, a well-trampled meadow
surrounded by food stalls, tents and pavilions. The crowds
swirl around you, revealing occasional glimpses of strolling
musicians, jugglers, sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-
eaters. In the very center of the field is a striped maypole.
Nearby, a whole boar is roasting on a spit that turns under the
watchful eye of a burly cook. Gaming areas lie to the west and
northeast. The stockade is to the east, and a path leads north
to a natural amphitheatre. You can leave the fair by going
south.

>e
Stockade
You push your way through a dense circle of people gathered
around the stocks. The pillory is a clumsy wooden affair with
holes for the neck and wrists. It is currently occupied, and
the crowd is mercilessly taunting the man inside.
A pavilion lies to the east and the meadow to the west.
In the stocks you see a prisoner.
The police nymph appears, frees the victim from the stocks,
and escorts him away.

>e
Fool's Pavilion
You have stumbled into a convention of fools.
You see some scorecards here.
A burly looking fool comes up to you, hits you with a pig's
bladder and says, "Fool's auditions this way." He sits you down
in front of three sour-faced judges. "Go ahead," one of them
says. "Be funny."

>sit on whoopee cushion
You sit on the cushion. It emits a triple flutterblast of
astounding resonance and quality.
The judges crack up. You score a 9.6!
One of the judges stands and intones, "By virtue of the power
vested in me by the Fool's Guild, I hereby name you an
apprentice fool. You are entitled to wear this hat at all
times, and to return in one year to qualify for full membership
in the guild."
He gives you a fool's cap, and escorts you out of the pavilion
to the stockade. "Now get out there and make a fool of
yourself," he says. "Make us proud."

Stockade
You push your way through a dense circle of people gathered
around the stocks. The pillory is a clumsy wooden affair with
holes for the neck and wrists. It is currently empty, and the
crowd eagerly awaits a new target of abuse.
A pavilion lies to the east and the meadow to the west.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>spit
A police nymph appears out of nowhere. She grabs your ear and
twists it like your first grade teacher used to do. Then she
drags you off through the crowd to the stocks. Once there, she
puts all your possessions in a pile, lowers the bar over your
neck and wrists, and locks you in. Then she disappears.

>wait
Time passes...
A dog comes up and licks you on the cheek.

>wait
Time passes...
Someone comes up and tickles your nose with a feather. You are
powerless to stop him.

>wait
Time passes...
An angelic looking young boy toddles along next to his father.
The father says to him, "You've been such a good boy, Percival.
Here's a nice shiny apple." The father turns away for a moment
and the boy sticks his tongue out at you.

>spit at boy
The boy throws the apple at you, striking you on the nose. The
apple rolls into your pile of possessions.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]
The boy makes a face at you.

>wait
Time passes...
The father tugs on the boy's hand and says, "Come along now.
It's time to leave." The boy starts to protest, but the father
pulls him off into the crowd.

>wait
Time passes...
A mosquito crawls into your ear and settles down to have lunch.

>wait
Time passes...
A mosquito crawls into your ear and settles down to have lunch.

>wait
Time passes...
An urchin steps forward and holds a dead stinking rat just
under your nose.

>wait
Time passes...
A mosquito crawls into your ear and settles down to have lunch.

>wait
Time passes...
The nymph returns. She opens the stocks, restores all your
possessions, and disappears.

>w
Fairgrounds
You return to the heart of the fair, a well-trampled meadow
surrounded by food stalls, tents and pavilions. The crowds
swirl around you, revealing occasional glimpses of strolling
musicians, jugglers, sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-
eaters. In the very center of the field is a striped maypole.
Nearby, a whole boar is roasting on a spit that turns under the
watchful eye of a burly cook. Gaming areas lie to the west and
northeast. The stockade is to the east, and a path leads north
to a natural amphitheatre. You can leave the fair by going
south.

>give apple to the chef
The cook slaps himself on the forehead and says, "THAT'S what
I've been missing." He puts out the fire and says, "Thank you.
Now I can deliver this pig." He removes his apron and rolls up
his sleeves. Then he calls his assistant and the two of them
hoist the spit up onto their shoulders and carry away the boar.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>take apron
You take the apron.

>look at woodcuts
It's a collection of woodcuts that show silhouettes of Lily in
a variety of poses that make your eyeballs sweat and your ears
steam.

>ne
Shooting Gallery
You have wandered into a shooting gallery manned by a friendly
looking barker. The pavilion is long and narrow, with three
rows of moving targets at the far end.
You see a crossbow here.
The barker gives you a crossbow and says, "Shoot at any target
you like."

>give woodcuts to barker
"WOW! Wouldja getta loada them gams!" The barker grabs the
woodcuts out of your hands and begins an intense study of them,
losing all interest in you.

>sw
The barker pays you no attention as you leave.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

Fairgrounds
You return to the heart of the fair, a well-trampled meadow
surrounded by food stalls, tents and pavilions. The crowds
swirl around you, revealing occasional glimpses of strolling
musicians, jugglers, sword-swallowers, jesters, and fire-
eaters. In the very center of the field is a striped maypole.
Gaming areas lie to the west and northeast. The stockade is to
the east, and a path leads north to a natural amphitheatre. You
can leave the fair by going south.

>s
Entrance
Gaily dressed crowds of people stream past you into a meadow
decorated with banners and pavilions. It is the St. Barchan's
Day fair, renowned across Torus as the liveliest festival in
the land. The entrance to the fair is to the north, and the
road winds up into the hills to the west. A herald stands
nearby, reading a proclamation from a scroll.

>wear apron
You put on the apron.

>wear cap
You put on the fool's cap.

>w
You climb up the hill to the dragon's cave.

Cave
The dragon's lair is a huge, dark cavern ruled by the very
dragon who now looms before you. The monster seems invulnerable
to attack, (except, of course for the vulnerable spot on his
talons revealed by your magic sunglasses). In the darkness of
the cave behind the dragon is a magic ring. The object of
today's quest, the Raw Steak of Eternity, is also visible in
the shadows. The only exit is to the east.
Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his breast.
The dragon flames your eyes, but the sunglasses protect you
from the attack.

>shoot tail
You fire the crossbow at the tail, but before the quarrel
strikes, the vulnerable spot moves. The quarrel bounces off the
now-invulnerable spot, and the dragon eats it.
Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his head.
The dragon flames your hands, but the gloves protect you from
the attack.

>shoot tail
You fire the crossbow at the tail. Just before the quarrel
strikes, the vulnerable spot moves, but not to where you are
aiming. The quarrel bounces off the dragon and he eats it.
Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his talons.
The dragon flames your rear end, but the chamberpot protects
you from the attack.

>shoot tail
You fire the crossbow at the tail. The vulnerable spot moves
right over your targeted area. The quarrel strikes!
The dragon shrieks and with a great hiss of escaping air he
suddenly deflates before your eyes. Moments later he is
scampering around on the ground at your feet - about the size
of a cigarette lighter.
[Your score has just gone up by 20.]

>take all
steak: You snatch both the steak and the ring. Suddenly you
hear a low rumbling and the cave begins to crumble around you.
You run for your life, but just as you reach the mouth of the
cave, a cataclysmic explosion shoots you up into the air like a
human cannonball, scattering your possessions to the four
winds.
You travel for miles in a high trajectory, and when you
finally plummet towards the ground, your fall is broken by the
branches of a large eucagum tree near the foot of the Mountain
of the Gods. You tumble through the branches, fall to the
ground, and are knocked unconscious.
[Your score has just gone up by 25.]
Pasture
You are basking in the shade of a tall eucagum tree whose
limbs are thick with juicy leaves. The tree is too big around
to climb, but the lowest branch juts from the trunk just over
your head, tantalizingly out of reach. Nearby, a lone unicorn
grazes in the pasture. From time to time, he lifts his head and
eyes you warily. To the west is the famed Temple of Virgins
that rests in the shadow of Mount Spa - the Mountain of the
Gods.
You see a newspaper here.

>read newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
*** Read all items ***

>moon the unicorn
You turn around, bend over, and bare your rear end at the
beast. He lowers his horn and charges at the inviting target.
You straighten up and try to jump out of harm's way, but you
trip over your own feet, turning your leap into more of a
feeble hop.
The unicorn is quickly upon you. His horn passes through the
gap between your legs and he gives his mighty neck a heave. You
sail through the air and land unharmed on the branch of the
eucagum tree.
The force of your landing dislodges a dead leaf from somewhere
overhead. It drifts slowly down through the air and lands on
the branch.

>take leaf
You take the leaf from the branch.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>w
[Getting off of the branch first.]
Portico
This well-proportioned porch is a fitting entryway to the
Temple of Virgins. A set of bells hangs under a sign, and a
white robe lies folded next to the door. A niche in the wall
contains a small carved stone bowl, presumably for offerings
from passing pilgrims. The pasture lies behind you to the east.

>take robe
You take the robe.

>wear robe
You put on the robe. The thick folds should conceal your gender
from casual eyes, and with luck you won't run into anyone who
wants to make a more thorough examination.

>look in pocket
Within the pocket you can see a hanky.

>ring forth bell
The door opens and a comely young virgin takes you by the hand
and leads you inside.

Examination Chamber
The room is done in muted earth tones, probably in a futile
effort to calm the nerves of the women who are to be examined
here. It is sparsely furnished, with a table and a small stool.
The only exit leads north to the interior of the temple, and
that is blocked by the virgin who has been set to guard you.
The girl says, "Welcome to the Temple of Virgins. Naturally,
we cannot admit you to our sisterhood without confirming that
you are indeed a virgin. But do not worry, the test is quick
and painless. It will begin in fifteen minutes."
The girl settles in to wait.

>give newspaper to girl
She asks you to read the paper to her.
As you begin to read the story to the girl, she begins to
sniffle. Further on, she begins to cry. By the time you're done
she is sobbing uncontrollably, her shoulders shaking, and tears
streaming down her face like water down a flume.

>give hanky to girl
[Removing the hanky from the pocket first.]
You give her the handkerchief and she presses it to her face.
She continues to cry for a few moments, completely soaking the
hanky. Then she gives it back to you and snuffles, "Thank you."
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>wait
Time passes...

>wait
Time passes...
Through the doorway comes another woman with a unicorn in tow.
As soon as it sees you, the beast starts bucking and thrashing
and trying to attack you with its hooves. After a moment, the
woman manages to bring it under control and hauls it from the
room. Your escort says, "I'm sorry, but you clearly fail the
test. Perhaps you should try the Temple of Brazen Hussies on
the other side of the meadow."
She escorts you back to the pasture, and then she retreats
back into the Temple.

Pasture
You are basking in the shade of a tall eucagum tree whose
limbs are thick with juicy leaves. The tree is too big around
to climb, but the lowest branch juts from the trunk just over
your head, tantalizingly out of reach. Nearby, a lone unicorn
grazes in the pasture. From time to time, he lifts his head and
eyes you warily. To the west is the famed Temple of Virgins
that rests in the shadow of Mount Spa - the Mountain of the
Gods.

>w
Portico
This well-proportioned porch is a fitting entryway to the
Temple of Virgins. A set of bells hangs under a sign. A niche
in the wall contains a small carved stone bowl, presumably for
offerings from passing pilgrims. The pasture lies behind you to
the east.

>put leaf in bowl
You put the leaf in the bowl.

>put hanky in bowl
The dried leaf immediately disintegrates into crumbs, which
then absorb all the moisture from the handkerchief and
recombine to form a gummy blob.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>take chow
You take the chow from the bowl.

>ring forth bell
The door opens and a comely young virgin takes you by the hand
and leads you inside.

Examination Chamber
The room is done in muted earth tones, probably in a futile
effort to calm the nerves of the women who are to be examined
here. It is sparsely furnished, with a table and a small stool.
The only exit leads north to the interior of the temple, and
that is blocked by the virgin who has been set to guard you.
The girl says, "Welcome to the Temple of Virgins. Naturally,
we cannot admit you to our sisterhood without confirming that
you are indeed a virgin. But do not worry, the test is quick
and painless. It will begin in fifteen minutes."
The girl settles in to wait.

>wait
Time passes...

>wait
Time passes...
Through the doorway comes another woman with a unicorn in tow.
As soon as it sees you, the beast calmly walks up to you and
starts to nuzzle your hand. The girl exclaims, "You passed the
test! Congratulations, and welcome to our sisterhood. You're
really lucky - it's the Feast of the God of the Full Moon and
we're sacrificing one virgin every hour on the hour. Maybe
you'll get chosen, although they usually don't take girls on
their first day."
She leads you into the main part of the temple, kisses you on
the cheek, and waves goodbye.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

Salon
This is a spacious apartment that is awash in femininity.
Everywhere you look there are stunningly beautiful young women,
all dressed in gossamer blue robes. They seem unworried by the
horrible fate that awaits them, although no one seems to linger
near the open door that leads north into the sanctuary.
Occasionally an individual voice rises above the general din
and you catch an interesting snippet of conversation.
"...haven't seen any unicorns walking up to HER recently..."

>n
Sanctuary
The great and terrible visage of the god Molochi takes up the
entire north wall of the sanctuary. The terrifying eyes seem to
follow your every step. The lips are open in a horrible
grimace, revealing sharp teeth that are clenched shut. Against
one wall is a vat of sacrificial wine. The only exit is to the
south.

>wear ring
You put on the ring and the upper half of your body disappears!

>get in vat
You climb into the vat. The dark wine comes up to around your
waist, making you now completely invisible.

>wait
Time passes...

>wait
Time passes...
You hear the priestess and her acolytes enter the salon. The
acolytes enter the sanctuary, conduct a brief search, and then
leave again. Moments later, a young girl is flung onto the
sanctuary floor and the door slams shut behind her.

>give book to girl
You get out of the vat and give the book to the girl. At first,
she is too hysterical at the sight of you to even notice that
she is holding anything.
Then, slowly, the book's tedium seems to reach out and start
to calm her down. She glances at the cover and takes in the
complete lack of anything interesting thereon. She listlessly
opens to the table of contents and sits down on the floor. She
turns the page and gazes at the preface for several moments,
her eyelids drooping.
By the time the girl gets to chapter one, she's lying on the
floor. You see her lips form the words, "In the great days of
Baldur..." and then the book falls from her hand and she's out
like a light.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>wait
Time passes...
Smoke starts to pour from Molochi's nostrils.

>wait
Time passes...
Fire pours out of Molochi's eyes.

>wait
Time passes...
Molochi's teeth slowly come apart. A low rumble comes from
somewhere inside the mouth.

>n
Summoning up all your courage, you dive into the blackness.
Expecting to die at any second, you pass through a wall of
flame and then fall in space for what seems like forever. You
land with a thud, which knocks you out for a second. When your
head clears, you are aware of a sense of gradual upward motion.
Cautiously, you open your eyes.

Escalator
You are slowly rising through the hollowed out core of Mount
Spa - the famed Mountain of the Gods. A warm, steady breeze
blows up from below, and it almost feels as if it, instead of
the escalator, is carrying you higher.
The escalator continues to carry you up into the mountain. A
sign comes into view.

>read sign
"Please keep both hands inside the escalator. The gods will not
be responsible for personal injury."
You pass the sign, rising higher and higher all the time.

>wait
Time passes...
As you near the top of the escalator, you glance up. High
above your head, the walls of the mountain come together in an
inverted cone, at the very tip of which seems to be a large
cork. Before you have time to wonder about the significance of
this discovery, you reach the top of the escalator and step
off, passing through a wall of mist.

Promontory
Dense clouds swirl around you as you survey this rocky
outcropping. Through the mist you see a lone figure with a
shovel in his hands bent over a hole in the ground. A narrow
path leads off around the mountain to the southwest.
The figure straightens and says, "Hello. Welcome to the
Mountain of the Gods. My name is Fred. I see you've got one of
those magic rings. Can't have that up here, you know." He takes
the ring away from you and then suddenly notices the shovel in
his hand and seems surprised to find it there. After a moment
he shrugs and fills in the hole he was just digging.

>sw
You cautiously pick your way along the level, but narrow path,
following its treacherous course around the mountain. After a
while the mists start to dissipate and the path broadens to
become first a track and then a road that leads you to a sunny,
open area near some classical buildings.

Agora
Warm sunshine splashes across this pleasant plaza, bathing
everything around you in a golden glow. There is a grove of
trees growing to the west, and to the south lies the fabled
Palace of the Gods. It's a phantasmagorical building that is
steeped in the mysterious aura of legend.
The road on which you first arrived disappears northeast into
the mists. Glancing upward, you see that you are nearly at the
top of Mount Spa. From the very peak comes the glint of
sunshine reflecting off something metal.

>w
Glade
Man's imagination holds no lovelier sight than the Goddess of
Beauty bathing in a woodland pool. And here she is, her
flawless body immersed in sparkling water, her auburn hair
floating around her like a halo.
Warm sunlight filters down through the trees, striking a
golden key hanging from a tree on the western shore of the
pool. Not a single breeze disturbs the tranquility of the
scene. As the goddess bathes, her languid movements send gentle
ripples lapping against the shores of the pond, the quiet sound
magnified in the still air of the glade.
In the few moments you can tear your gaze from her, you notice
that exits lead east and north into the woods.
You see a golden key here.

>talk to goddess
*** Talk about everything ***

>n
Passing through the band of trees to the north, the weather
quickly changes. Growing colder with every step, you climb up
the mountainside and soon come to a cave. Nervously, you step
inside.

Windy Cave
This is the home of the God of the North Wind. Icicles hang
from the ceiling and snow lays scattered on the ground. The god
himself is pacing back and forth, swinging his arms, stamping
his feet, and mumbling to himself.

>listen
"Five years in this awful cave. FIVE YEARS. And every time I
blow my nose or sneeze, one of those bronzed sun-bathing jerks
complains that I'm making it too cold for everyone else. I'd
like to see THEM try to live up here without sneezing.
Well, at least I won't be up here much longer. Today's my
birthday, and in two more weeks I'll be outta here." He
sniffles.

>listen
"Some birthday. No cake. No presents. No party. Nobody ever
sacrifices to the north wind any more - they save all the good
stuff for the God of Spring or the Goddess of Fertility. What
good does a virgin do HER, I'd like to know. Two more weeks,
though. Two more weeks and I'm history."

>s
"Hey mortal!" the god calls. "Do me a favor and take this note
to the Palace of the Gods and give it to Morty." He scrawls out
a note and folds it in half, passing his fingers along the edge
to seal it shut. Then he stuffs it in your hand.
He turns away, but then looks back and says, "Oh, I almost
forgot." He waves his hand and mumbles a phrase under his
breath. "There. You'll be able to get into the palace now. We
don't like people to just wander in. Once you've been inside,
you'll understand why. It's an image thing. Anyway, thanks a
million."

Glade
Man's imagination holds no lovelier sight than the Goddess of
Beauty bathing in a woodland pool. And here she is, her
flawless body immersed in sparkling water, her auburn hair
floating around her like a halo.
Warm sunlight filters down through the trees, striking a
golden key hanging from a tree on the western shore of the
pool. Not a single breeze disturbs the tranquility of the
scene. As the goddess bathes, her languid movements send gentle
ripples lapping against the shores of the pond, the quiet sound
magnified in the still air of the glade.
In the few moments you can tear your gaze from her, you notice
that exits lead east and north into the woods.
You see a golden key here.

>e
Agora
Warm sunshine splashes across this pleasant plaza, bathing
everything around you in a golden glow. There is a grove of
trees growing to the west, and to the south lies the fabled
Palace of the Gods. It's a phantasmagorical building that is
steeped in the mysterious aura of legend.
The road on which you first arrived disappears northeast into
the mists. Glancing upward, you see that you are nearly at the
top of Mount Spa. From the very peak comes the glint of
sunshine reflecting off something metal.

>s
You walk up to the facade, and then keep walking right on
through it.

Lobby
This is a sterile, fluorescent-lit office dominated by a very
functional reception desk, behind which sits Clio, the
Receptionist of the Gods. In the background you hear the
suppressed hum of activity. Exits lead west, east, and north.
Against one wall sits a large trophy case.
As you cross the threshold into the palace, the seal on the
note magically dissolves and the note falls open.

>give note to clio
Clio looks at the note and hands it back to you. Then she yells
at the closed door, "MORTY! Someone ta see ya!" She turns back
to you and says, "He'll be out in a few minutes."

>read note
"Morty: Ya gotta get me outta here! I've been up here in this
cave every day for five years. I'm freezin' my BUNS off! Two
more weeks and my contract's up. How 'bout it, Morty. You're my
agent. Can't you get me a cushier gig? I hear God of Wine is
gonna open up soon. I can handle it, I swear. Hangovers are
nothin', compared to this frostbite!
Yours, North."

>wait
Time passes...
The door to Morty's office opens. Two grotesquely dressed
characters emerge. "Remember, Morty," they chorus. "We are two
Wild and Crazy Gods!" They do a slow shimmy out of the front
entrance.
Morty puts his arm around your shoulder and guides you into
his office.

Office
Morty's office is cluttered with tacky bric-a-brac. The walls
are crowded with mementos and autographed pictures of him with
gods and goddesses.
Morty plops into the leather chair behind his desk and says,
"A mortal! Don't get many of 'em up here. Well, what can I do
you for? Hah hah."

>give note to morty
Morty takes the note and tosses you a small wooden token.
"Thanks, kid," he says. He glances at the note. Then he wads it
up, throws it away, and bellows, "Clio!"
The receptionist comes in and Morty says, "Take a letter.
'Dear North. I got two offers cooking for you right now. One is
a two-year gig as God of the Moon. The other is six months as
God of Volcanos. I'm guessing the moon's a little cold for you
after this last job, so I'm trying for the volcanos. It's
messy, but at least it's warm. Let me know what you think...'"
Morty pauses and appears to think.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>e
Lobby
This is a sterile, fluorescent-lit office dominated by a very
functional reception desk. In the background you hear the
suppressed hum of activity. Exits lead west, east, and north.
Against one wall sits a large trophy case.

>take all
costume: Taken.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Clio returns and takes her place behind the desk. She takes
out some woad and puts it on the desk in front of her.

>e
Lounge
The Lounge of the Gods is a worn-out room that could use a
good coat of paint. A broken nectar machine stands in the
middle of the room. Behind it, a nectar machine repairgod is
sitting on a couch. The company bulletin board adorns the far
wall.

>read board
The bulletin board is covered with notices. One of them reads:
"Due to recent complaints, the automatic payroll deduction for
life-insurance has been discontinued."

>n
Library
This room is stacked floor to ceiling with books and scrolls
and stone tablets of all shapes and sizes. Behind a small table
is Emily, the diminutive Librarian of the Gods.
You greet the librarian, "Hi! I'm new here. Got any good
books?"
"BROOKS? Of course we don't have any brooks! This is a
library. We don't carry brooks, or streams, or rivulets, or
anything like that. For that matter we don't have ponds or
lakes either. All that water would spoil the paper. And
besides, how could you borrow a brook? You can't pick one up
and..."
You break into her tirade. "'Books,' I said. Not brooks.
BOOKS!"
She stares at you blankly. "Oh. That's different. Well then.
Never mind."

>s
Emily puts a hand on your arm and says, "Wait a minute."
The librarian fusses around for a few moments and then says,
"You know, we haven't had a mortal in here in eons. I know we
have a few books meant for mortals, but I can't remember what
they are. Perhaps I can find that reading list." She rummages
in her desk. "Ah! Here it is." She blows the dust off of the
piece of paper and hands it to you. "You can borrow any book
you want, so long as it's on this list. I seem to have lost my
glasses, so when you've made up your mind, just tell me the
title of the book you want."

>s
The librarian snarfs the list away from you and says, "Sorry.
Library property."

Lounge
The Lounge of the Gods is a worn-out room that could use a
good coat of paint. A broken nectar machine stands in the
middle of the room. Behind it, a nectar machine repairgod is
sitting on a couch. The company bulletin board adorns the far
wall.

>talk to repairgod
*** Talk about everything ***

>give token to repairgod
"Well would you look at that. A round tuit. I guess I'd better
get to work." He stands up, opens the machine, and fiddles with
its innards. Then he closes it up again.
"Good as new," he says, tossing you a coin. "Give it a try."
He packs up and leaves.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>put penny in slot
The penny falls into the machine with a satisfying, "Chink." A
bottle of nectar appears below. You take the bottle, and
suddenly you hear a grinding noise from inside the machine.
Whatever gremlin was occupying the machine before has returned
with a vengeance.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>n
Library
This room is stacked floor to ceiling with books and scrolls
and stone tablets of all shapes and sizes. Behind a small table
is Emily, the diminutive Librarian of the Gods.
The librarian hands you the reading list.

>read list
*** Choose: Setting up Sodom/Gomorrah: Priming the fountain ***
You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off,
mumbling to herself as she goes. "Why is everyone so all-fired
interested in climbing to the top of the mountain. No good can
come of it, I say...." After a while she returns and hands you
a book. "Remember," she says. "This is a lending library. I
expect to see that book back here within ten minutes."
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>read book
"Getting up Spa From Agora: Climbing the Mountain"
The book jacket says that it contains a ritual that will make
a golden stairway appear, thereby making it possible to ascend
to the very peak of the Mountain of the Gods.
Intrigued, you debate with yourself whether to continue
reading.

>s
The librarian snarfs the list away from you and says, "Sorry.
Library property."

Lounge
The Lounge of the Gods is a worn-out room that could use a
good coat of paint. A broken nectar machine stands in the
middle of the room. The company bulletin board adorns the far
wall.

>s
Scriptorium
This is a large room filled with robed figures bent over
manuscripts that they are painstakingly copying. A thin young
god greets you as you enter. There is a sign here.
The attendant laughs. "The Rick-inator, comin' to see
Richard."

>give book to richard
Richard disappears into the back. He returns moments later and
hands you a perfect copy, presumably keeping the original
somewhere in the back.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Richard scratches his ear and intones, "Rickeee, solvin' the
puzzle. Makin' points. Way to go. All ri-i-i-ght."

>n
A voice trails behind you. "The Rickster, leaving Richard
behind."

Lounge
The Lounge of the Gods is a worn-out room that could use a
good coat of paint. A broken nectar machine stands in the
middle of the room. The company bulletin board adorns the far
wall.

>read book
You flip past the opening pages and get right to the good
stuff:
"RITUAL FOR CAUSING THE GOLDEN STAIR TO APPEAR
First, prepare thyself by wearing the sacred costume of Og and
by smearing thy cheeks with woad, that thou might seemeth
pleasing in the eyes of the great god Otis.
Then, whilst holding a copy of this sacred ritual, shalt thou
perform these actions in sequence, remembering all the while
that a departure from the correct order shall taketh thee back
to square one:
Here, then, are the steps of the ritual:
First, whilst in the Agora, stand upon the Holy Egg of
Oblivion, so that memories of all gods other than the great god
Otis shall be erased from thy mind.
Second, partake of a live slimewig, the animal most sacred to
the compassionate god Otis.
Third, turn around, that thou might be seen from all sides by
the all-seeing, all-knowing god Otis.
Fourth, turn around again, in case Otis wasn't watching the
first time.
Fifth and finally, thou must squawk like a chicken, for this
above all others is the noise most pleasing to Otis, the great
and powerful."

>e
Laboratory
This is a cluttered workshop full of odds and ends. In a
sealed counter, you see a rock, a bush, some pills, a pair of
sandals, and a trumpet.
On the counter you see a machine.
As you enter, a white-coated scientist looks up and says,
"Welcome. I get so few visitors. Let me show you my latest
project." He pats a large machine that is sitting on the
counter. "This is a prototype of an all-in-one plague machine.
Up until now, our operatives have had to carry a separate piece
of equipment for each plague they wanted to invoke - a staff
for snakes, the thigh bone of a sheep for locusts, etc. Now
this prototype is too large to carry, but when the final model
is finished, all those separate functions will be combined in
one small, easy to use device. Let me show you how it works."
Just then, an aide sticks his head in the room and says,
"You're needed over in the New Worlds Lab. Johnson says he
dropped a vial and there was a really big bang."
"Drat!" says the scientist. He gives you an apologetic nod and
leaves the room.

>push crank
You give the crank a turn and suddenly you are knee-deep in
slimewigs. They immediately disappear through cracks in nearby
walls, but one of them is slower than the rest and is left
behind.

>take slimewig
You take the slimewig.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>w
Lounge
The Lounge of the Gods is a worn-out room that could use a
good coat of paint. A broken nectar machine stands in the
middle of the room. The company bulletin board adorns the far
wall.

>w
Lobby
This is a sterile, fluorescent-lit office dominated by a very
functional reception desk, behind which sits Clio, the
Receptionist of the Gods. In the background you hear the
suppressed hum of activity. Exits lead west, east, and north.
Against one wall sits a large trophy case.
On the desk you see some woad.
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "No, you don't have
to keep track of your good and bad deeds - our accounting
department is quite good."

>n
Agora
Warm sunshine splashes across this pleasant plaza, bathing
everything around you in a golden glow. There is a grove of
trees growing to the west, and to the south lies the fabled
Palace of the Gods. It's a phantasmagorical building that
somehow seems to be less magical than you first thought.
The road on which you first arrived disappears northeast into
the mists. Glancing upward, you see that you are nearly at the
top of Mount Spa. From the very peak comes the glint of
sunshine reflecting off something metal.
A passenger pigeon flies over the Agora, drops a note and
keeps on flying.

>read note
The note is written in an indecipherable foreign language. All
you can tell is that it is addressed to Morty.

>take note
You take the note.

>s
You walk up to the facade, and then keep walking right on
through it.

Lobby
This is a sterile, fluorescent-lit office dominated by a very
functional reception desk, behind which sits Clio, the
Receptionist of the Gods. In the background you hear the
suppressed hum of activity. Exits lead west, east, and north.
Against one wall sits a large trophy case.
On the desk you see some woad.
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Let me see if I can
explain. Every time a prayer comes in for a team to win, it goes
onto a tote board. We keep a running tally until the event
actually begins. Whichever side has the most prayers by halftime
will win the game. That's why Notre Dame is so hard to beat -
they've got a million nuns out there praying all week. By the
time game day rolls around, the other team doesn't stand a
chance."

>give note to clio
Clio looks at the note and hands it back to you. Then she yells
at the closed door, "MORTY! Someone ta see ya!" She turns back
to you and says, "He'll be out in a few minutes."
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Miracles is on
vacation."

>wait
Time passes...
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "I'm sorry. The
Goddess of Beauty is in an important meeting and cannot be
disturbed."

>wait
Time passes...
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Sorry, there's a new
price list for direct divine intervention. You must not have
received your copy yet. I'll send a pigeon out to you right
away."

>wait
Time passes...
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "No, there's not an
entrance fee, exactly. It's a little more complicated than that."
The door to Morty's office opens. Morty comes out with his arm
around a blond goddess who is wearing her underwear outside her
clothes. "Sure you can charge fifty bucks for the book, babe,"
he says. "Just make sure the pictures aren't too tame." The
goddess licks his ear and then leaves.
Morty puts his arm around your shoulder and guides you into
his office.

Office
Morty's office is cluttered with tacky bric-a-brac. The walls
are crowded with mementos and autographed pictures of him with
gods and goddesses.
Morty plops into the leather chair behind his desk and says,
"A mortal! Don't get many of 'em up here. Well, what can I do
you for? Hah hah."

>give note to morty
Morty glances at the note. Then he wads it up, throws it away,
and bellows, "Clio!"
The receptionist comes in and Morty says, "Take a memo. 'Atlas:
I know you're getting tired, but try to hang on a little
longer. I'm sending Hercules over to spell you for a while...'"
Morty pauses and appears to think.

>e
Lobby
This is a sterile, fluorescent-lit office dominated by a very
functional reception desk. In the background you hear the
suppressed hum of activity. Exits lead west, east, and north.
Against one wall sits a large trophy case.
On the desk you see some woad.

>take woad
You grab the woad off the desk.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Clio returns and takes her place behind the desk.

>e
Lounge
The Lounge of the Gods is a worn-out room that could use a
good coat of paint. A broken nectar machine stands in the
middle of the room. The company bulletin board adorns the far
wall.

>read board
The bulletin board is covered with notices. One of them reads:
"Fresh cakes for all occasions.
Delivery in 30 eons or less
Call 1-800-DOMINUS
Remember - 'Dominus Delivers'."

>w
Lobby
This is a sterile, fluorescent-lit office dominated by a very
functional reception desk, behind which sits Clio, the
Receptionist of the Gods. In the background you hear the
suppressed hum of activity. Exits lead west, east, and north.
Against one wall sits a large trophy case.
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Sorry, the oracles
department is closed today. It was in last week's predictions.
Didn't you get them?"

>n
Agora
Warm sunshine splashes across this pleasant plaza, bathing
everything around you in a golden glow. There is a grove of
trees growing to the west, and to the south lies the fabled
Palace of the Gods. It's a phantasmagorical building that
somehow seems to be less magical than you first thought.
The road on which you first arrived disappears northeast into
the mists. Glancing upward, you see that you are nearly at the
top of Mount Spa. From the very peak comes the glint of
sunshine reflecting off something metal.
A passenger pigeon flies over the Agora, drops a note and
keeps on flying.

>take note
You take the note.

>read note
The note is written in an indecipherable foreign language. All
you can tell is that it is addressed to Morty.

>s
You walk up to the facade, and then keep walking right on
through it.

Lobby
This is a sterile, fluorescent-lit office dominated by a very
functional reception desk, behind which sits Clio, the
Receptionist of the Gods. In the background you hear the
suppressed hum of activity. Exits lead west, east, and north.
Against one wall sits a large trophy case.
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "I'm sorry. We're not
allowed to give out hints on this line. I suggest you call
1-900-PRO-KLUE."

>give note to clio
Clio looks at the note and hands it back to you. Then she yells
at the closed door, "MORTY! Someone ta see ya!" She turns back
to you and says, "He'll be out in a few minutes."
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "No, you don't have
to keep track of your good and bad deeds - our accounting
department is quite good."

>wait
Time passes...
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Sorry, the oracles
department is closed today. It was in last week's predictions.
Didn't you get them?"

>wait
Time passes...
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Sorry, there's a new
price list for direct divine intervention. You must not have
received your copy yet. I'll send a pigeon out to you right
away."

>wait
Time passes...
The receptionist speaks into her headset. "No. This is Valhalla
Industries. You must have the wrong number."
The door to Morty's office opens. A severely overweight goddess
with beautiful violet eyes comes out with Morty. "Just lose the
weight, honey," he says. "They'll come running back in a
heartbeat." He ushers her out the front door. "Love the muumuu,"
he calls after her.
Morty puts his arm around your shoulder and guides you into
his office.

Office
Morty's office is cluttered with tacky bric-a-brac. The walls
are crowded with mementos and autographed pictures of him with
gods and goddesses.
Morty plops into the leather chair behind his desk and says,
"A mortal! Don't get many of 'em up here. Well, what can I do
you for? Hah hah."

>give note to morty
Morty glances at the note. Then he wads it up, throws it away,
and bellows, "Clio!"
The receptionist comes in and Morty says, "Take a memo. '
Quetzlcoatl: Look - it's a simple matter of numbers. You're up
over ten thousand human sacrifices a day. If you keep that up,
there won't be anyone left to worship you...'"
Morty pauses and appears to think.

>e
Lobby
This is a sterile, fluorescent-lit office dominated by a very
functional reception desk. In the background you hear the
suppressed hum of activity. Exits lead west, east, and north.
Against one wall sits a large trophy case.

>call 1-800-dominus
"Thank you for calling Dominus. We'll be right over. Bye."
Clio returns and takes her place behind the desk.

>wait
Time passes...

>wait
Time passes...

>wait
Time passes...

>wait
Time passes...
An out-of-breath delivery boy shows up and says, "Sorry I'm
late. It's halftime at the Ragnarok Bowl and we're flooded with
orders." He hands you a cake and then leaves.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>n
Agora
Warm sunshine splashes across this pleasant plaza, bathing
everything around you in a golden glow. There is a grove of
trees growing to the west, and to the south lies the fabled
Palace of the Gods. It's a phantasmagorical building that
somehow seems to be less magical than you first thought.
The road on which you first arrived disappears northeast into
the mists. Glancing upward, you see that you are nearly at the
top of Mount Spa. From the very peak comes the glint of
sunshine reflecting off something metal.
A passenger pigeon flies over the Agora, drops a note and
keeps on flying.

>w
Glade
Man's imagination holds no lovelier sight than the Goddess of
Beauty bathing in a woodland pool. And here she is, her
flawless body immersed in sparkling water, her auburn hair
floating around her like a halo.
Warm sunlight filters down through the trees, striking a
golden key hanging from a tree on the western shore of the
pool. Not a single breeze disturbs the tranquility of the
scene. As the goddess bathes, her languid movements send gentle
ripples lapping against the shores of the pond, the quiet sound
magnified in the still air of the glade.
In the few moments you can tear your gaze from her, you notice
that exits lead east and north into the woods.
You see a golden key here.

>n
Passing through the band of trees to the north, the weather
quickly changes. Growing colder with every step, you climb up
the mountainside and soon come to a cave. Nervously, you step
inside.

Windy Cave
This is the home of the God of the North Wind. Icicles hang
from the ceiling and snow lays scattered on the ground. The god
himself is pacing back and forth, swinging his arms, stamping
his feet, and mumbling to himself.

>pull dragon tail
[Taking the dragon out of the backpack first.]
When you pull on the dragon's tail, his mouth opens and a
stream of fire comes out.

>light candles
[With the dragon]
You hold the dragon up over the candles. The spray of fire
ignites them all!
The God of the North Wind grabs the offering and cries in
delight, "For ME? How thoughtful of you!" He closes his eyes
and makes a wish. Then he sucks in his breath and unleashes a
blast of wind that not only extinguishes the candles, but
uproots them from the cake and carries them flying down the
hillside on a frigid stream of air that freezes everything in
its path.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
The dragon's flame goes out.

>s
Glade
A once-idyllic summer scene has been transformed into a
hardbitten snowscape of ice and frost. The goddess has fled,
and the pond has frozen into a solid sheet of ice.
On the western shore of the pond, the golden key still hangs
on the tree. Exits lead east and north into the snow-covered
woods.
You see a golden key here.

>take key
You race across the frozen pond, grab the key, and return again
to the near shore.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>e
Agora
Warm sunshine splashes across this pleasant plaza, although a
cold breeze is blowing through from the north. There is a grove
of trees growing to the west, and to the south lies the fabled
Palace of the Gods. It's a phantasmagorical building that
somehow seems to be less magical than you first thought.
The road on which you first arrived disappears northeast into
the mists. Glancing upward, you see that you are nearly at the
top of Mount Spa. From the very peak comes the glint of
sunshine reflecting off something metal.
You see a note here.

>ne
Promontory
Dense clouds swirl around you as you survey this rocky
outcropping. Through the mist you see a lone figure with a
shovel in his hands bent over a hole in the ground. A narrow
path leads off around the mountain to the southwest.
The figure straightens and says, "Hello. Welcome to the
Mountain of the Gods. My name is Chuck." He suddenly notices
the shovel in his hand and seems surprised to find it there.
After a moment he shrugs and fills in the hole he was just
digging.

>give nectar to god
"Thanks, but I can only have one sip. It makes me pee." He
takes the bottle, opens it with the opener, and takes a swig.
Then he closes it again and hands it back to you.
The god looks up and says, "Hello. Welcome to the Mountain of
the Gods. My name is Jim." He suddenly notices the shovel in
his hand and seems surprised to find it there. After a moment
he shrugs and starts digging again.

>give nectar to god
"Thanks, but I can only have one sip. It makes me pee." He
takes the bottle, opens it with the opener, and takes a swig.
Then he closes it again and hands it back to you.
The god looks up and says, "Hello. Welcome to the Mountain of
the Gods. My name is Chuck." He glances down at the shovel in
his hand and seems surprised to find it there. After a moment
he shrugs and fills in the hole he was just digging.

>give nectar to god
"Thanks, but I can only have one sip. It makes me pee." He
takes the bottle, opens it with the opener, and takes a swig.
Then he closes it again and hands it back to you.
He digs the dirt out of the hole again, and then moments
later, he suddenly gets a very strange expression on his face.
"Excuse me," he says, and then he leaves very very quickly.

>take egg
You take the egg from the hole.

>sw
You cautiously pick your way along the level, but narrow path,
following its treacherous course around the mountain. After a
while the mists start to dissipate and the path broadens to
become first a track and then a road that leads you to a sunny,
open area near some classical buildings.

Agora
Warm sunshine splashes across this pleasant plaza, although a
cold breeze is blowing through from the north. There is a grove
of trees growing to the west, and to the south lies the fabled
Palace of the Gods. It's a phantasmagorical building that
somehow seems to be less magical than you first thought.
The road on which you first arrived disappears northeast into
the mists. Glancing upward, you see that you are nearly at the
top of Mount Spa. From the very peak comes the glint of
sunshine reflecting off something metal.
You see a note here.

>drop egg
You drop the egg.

>wear costume
You put on the costume.

>wear woad
You smear the woad on your cheeks. A voice says, "Not THOSE
cheeks!" Embarrassed, you fumble around in your pants. After a
moment, the voice says, "That's better."

>hold book
You already have the book.

>stand on egg
You balance precariously on top of the egg.

>eat slimewig
You pop the disgusting thing into your mouth.
You know how sometimes you eat something that you think is
going to taste terrible, but it turns out to be OK? Well, such
is not the case here. The instant you put the slimewig in your
mouth, it attaches little suckers to the back of your teeth, so
that while its rear end is halfway down your throat, its front
end is hanging on for dear life.
So now it's trying to crawl up, while you're trying to get it
down. Finally you bite off its little pseudopods and it slides
wriggling and screaming all the way down to your stomach, where
it gives a couple of kicks, and then lies still.

>turn around
You do a quick pirouette. Very stylish.
You feel a kick in your stomach. That slimewig isn't dead yet.

>turn around
You do a quick pirouette. Very stylish.
You give a small, salty burp.

>squawk
You squawk like a chicken.
Nothing happens.
After a while, one of the gods wanders through the agora and
catches sight of you wearing a silly costume, your cheeks
bright blue, standing on an egg and looking like you've just
swallowed a slimewig.
He stops and says, "You're not performing the old 'golden
stair' ritual, are you? Geez, that was replaced years ago -
didn't you get the software upgrade? Well, never mind. I'll
take care of it for you." He mumbles something under his
breath, and a shining golden stair appears in the middle of the
agora.
"Take care," the god calls as he passes from sight. Moments
after he leaves, you hear an explosion of laughter, as if
someone had been trying to keep it in, but then simply couldn't
hold on any longer.
[Your score has just gone up by 20.]

>up
You climb the golden stairs, wishing all the while that you
could get rid of that Led Zeppelin tune that keeps running
through your head.

Peak
The view from the top of Mount Spa is breathtaking. You can
see all of Torus laid out before you, except of course, for the
places that you have already passed through, most of which are
still obscured by a pall of smoke.
Strangely enough, the ground up here is neither dirt nor rock -
it's a circle of cork, roughly six feet in diameter. The
Crowbar of the Apocalypse is lying in the middle of the circle,
secured by a golden strap that runs right across the cork to a
golden lock at the edge. The only exit from here is the golden
stair that leads back down to the agora.

>open lock
[With the golden key]
You put the key in the lock and give it a twist. The lock
falls open and the strap comes loose. Suddenly, the golden
staircase disappears.
You hear a faint creak coming from the edges of the cork where
it fits into the mountain.

>take crowbar
You take the crowbar.
[Your score has just gone up by 25.]
The creak turns into an ominous groan. The cork starts to
tremble and shake, and you notice that there's more of it
sticking up out of the mountain than there had been before.

>wait
Time passes...
With a POP the approximate intensity of a sonic boom, the cork
shoots up into the air, with you hanging on for dear life. The
cork describes a graceful arc through the Torus air, taking you
for what feels like a magic carpet ride - except you can steer
magic carpets, and you usually have some say in where they come
down. Behind you, the Mountain of the Gods deflates into the
Large Wrinkled Land Formation of the Gods.
Eventually, the cork lands with a splash. You interpret this
as good news until you remember that the only water in this
vicinity is the dreaded Swamp of Perdition. The impact of the
landing throws you to the ground and knocks you out.
Shore
This is the south shore of a murky swamp. You see a raft
populated by a strange looking crew here.
You see a newspaper here.
Out of the mists, a raft approaches. It is manned by a very
unusual looking crew. The person who appears to be the captain
is holding a sawed-off tree trunk, and you see him speak into
it.
"Captain's log. Swamp date 91692. We have encountered a
strange life form who is peering at us through a transparent
screen while manipulating an imaginary alter-ego through our
world. We will offer assistance to this alter-ego while
observing the character of its master." He lowers the log and
says, "Hail traveller. We offer you passage across this swamp."

>read newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
*** Read all items ***

>n
Cautiously, you board the raft.
"Wampum factor 2, Scotty," says the captain.
"Aye aye," replies the man in the kilt.
"Plot your course, Mr Zulu," the captain says.
The warrior hesitates for a moment, and then points his spear
into the mists. The raft drifts away from the shore and slowly
starts off in that direction. Soon you are lost in the mists of
the swamp.

Swamp, on the raft
You are floating on a raft in the middle of a swamp.

>give berries to zulu
Zulu gobbles down the berries. He immediately straightens up
and points his spear confidently in a new direction. The raft
changes course, and everyone seems much happier than before.

>wait
Time passes...
You start to hear an unusual noise coming from somewhere up
ahead.

>wait
Time passes...
The noise grows louder, and the raft starts to move more
swiftly. "Shields up, Mr. Zulu!" barks the captain.

>wait
Time passes...
The mists part and you discover that the raft is being drawn
towards a great whirlpool. "Wampum Factor 4, Scotty!" shouts
Smirk.
"Aye, aye captain." The indians start paddling furiously.

Whirlpool, on the raft
You are on the edge of a giant whirlpool.
The roiling waters are sucking the raft ever deeper into the
maelstrom.

>s
You have to be sitting in the captain's chair to steer the
raft.
Despite the indians' frantic efforts, the raft gets caught in
the current on the rim of the whirlpool.
"Wampum Factor 6, Scotty! Give me all you've got!"
"Captain, I dinna think the injuns can take much more!"

>wait
Time passes...
The raft skims along the rim of the whirlpool but then the
centrifugal force flings it out in an entirely new direction.
After a while, the waters calm and the raft drifts up near the
shore of a tropical island.

Phantasy Island, on the raft
This is a lush tropical island, overgrown with exotic bushes
and trees that come right down to the beach. A small path winds
up the hill to the east, ending in front of a large plantation
house that looks as if it were constructed for the sole purpose
of sitting out front and drinking mint juleps.
You hear a high, small voice call out, "De raft, boss! De
raft!"
Eagerly, you splash up onto the shore. A man in a white suit
is waiting to meet you. At his side stands a midget, who also
wears a white suit.

>nw
You climb onto the raft and sit down in the captain's chair.
Milligan's Island, on the captain's chair
You have landed on a sandy beach next to a pleasure boat that
appears to have a bashed-in hull. A large beach umbrella is
stuck into the sand here, and you hear voices coming from the
other side of the boat.
You stand up and take a look around.
"Why did they bring all these clothes? It was just supposed to
be a three hour tour!"

>take umbrella
[Getting off the raft first.]
You take the umbrella.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>wait
Time passes...
A bottle floats into the water nearby.

>take bottle
You take the bottle.

>look in bottle
Within the bottle you can see a matchbook.

>look at matchbook
You're not holding the matchbook.
"Lil' Buddy! The professor has built a flying machine out of
some trees and a bunch of seashells. All he needs to make it
work is two paper clips."
"Sorry, skipper. I've only got one paper clip left. I used all
the other ones making a necklace for Ginger, and she lost it."

>take matchbook
You take the matchbook from the bottle.

>look at matchbook
"In today's uncertain economic climate, do you long to return
to a solid, old-fashioned occupation that offers financial
security without tying you to a single location?

Be a pirate!

Do you like meeting new people and then robbing them at
swordpoint?
Do you like visiting exotic towns and villages and then
putting them to the torch?
Do you like blindfolding people and making them walk the plank
into shark-infested waters?
Then you, too, may have what it takes to be a pirate. Simply
connect the dots on this matchbook to create an item of
interest to pirates, and you'll be on your way to joining the
exciting world of international piracy."
In the small print below it continues:
"The Columbia School of Piracy is an equal opportunity
corrupter of youth.
Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Abacus Training or
any other institution.
Allow fifteen minutes for round-trip bottle delivery.
Your mileage may vary."
You finish connecting the dots.
*** Connect the dots ***

>put matchbook in bottle
You put the matchbook in the bottle.

>put bottle in swamp
The bottle floats away.

>wait
Time passes...
"I've got it, skipper! We'll build a giant slingshot and shoot
ourselves over the swamp. All we need is 25 yards of rubber."

>wait
Time passes...
"Thurston, dear. Isn't there someone you can bribe to get us
out of here?"

>wait
Time passes...
"The Professor has developed a genetically altered strain of
dolphin. They can talk, they can each carry two people on their
back, and they're intelligent enough to find their way through
the swamp. The only problem is that he's bred out their ability
to swim."

>wait
Time passes...
A bottle floats into the water nearby.

>take bottle
You take the bottle.
"Maybe we could hollow out a giant tree, stuff a bunch of
gunpowder in one end, and SHOOT ourselves off the island.
Whaddya say, skip?"
"Shut up, Milligan."

>look in bottle
Within the bottle you can see a certificate.

>take certificate
You take the certificate from the bottle.

>read certificate
"Congratulations! You have qualified to study at the Columbia
School of Piracy. Simply bring this certificate to Treasure
Island to enroll in your classes today!"

>sit on raft
You climb onto the raft and sit down in the captain's chair.
Treasure Island, on the captain's chair
This is Treasure Island, home of the renowned Columbia School
of Piracy. The compound consists of several huts that huddle
behind a makeshift fence. A Jolly Roger flies from atop one of
the buildings, and the place has a generally illicit look about
it.
You see a sign here.
You stand up and take a look around.

>read sign
The sign is a tasteful arrangement of a ship's wheel, a skull,
and the words, "Columbia School of Piracy."

>climb over fence
A gnarly pirate comes up to you and says, "Har. If ye be
wantin' to come ashore here, ye needs a certificate. Where be
it?"
You hand over the certificate and the bottle, and the pirate
stands aside to let you off the raft.
*** Pass the exam ***
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>sit on raft
You sit down in the captain's chair.
Monkey Island, on the captain's chair
You have landed on a wide sandy beach that slopes up to an
impenetrable jungle. The largest coconut you have ever seen is
sitting here, guarded by a four-headed monkey.
You stand up and take a look around.

>call banana
You hear a disembodied voice say, "To successfully complete a
call, you must use the correct number of the party you wish to
reach. If you need further assistance, please consult your
users manual, as we never have operators standing by. Thank you
for using Godsnet."

>yoohoo
An arm thrusts up from the surface of the swamp. It tosses you
the banana and then sinks out of sight again.

>give banana to monkey
[Getting off the raft first.]
You give the banana to the monkey and he immediately scampers
off to one side and sits down on the beach. He peels one side
of the banana, and then rotates it to get at the next side. As
he does so, however, the strip that is dangling suddenly
re-attaches itself to the banana. Puzzled, the monkey rotates
the banana to peel the first side again, but then the second
side pops back up. The monkey scratches his head and repeats
the process. Then he does it again. It looks as if he's going
to be here a long time.

>take coconut
You take the coconut.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>sit
You climb onto the raft and sit down in the captain's chair.
Lilliput, on the captain's chair
You are moored alongside a very small village. A conveyor belt
runs in a large loop along the dock, through a customs shed,
and back again. You see a tiny lever here.
A tiny dockmaster boards the raft and says, "Welcome to our
small island. For obvious safety reasons, we cannot allow you
to come ashore. However, if you are here as a merchant, just
put whatever you want to sell on the conveyor belt. When it
comes out on the other side, it'll be shrunk down to a
manageable size."
The little man jumps off the raft and disappears into the
shed.
You stand up and take a look around.

>put umbrella on belt
You drop the umbrella on the belt. It winds through the customs
shed and comes back to you much smaller than it was before. You
pick it up again.

>put coconut on belt
You drop the coconut on the belt. It winds through the customs
shed and comes back to you much smaller than it was before. You
pick it up again.

>flip lever
You set the lever to 'export', and the belt reverses direction.

>put dragon on belt
You drop the dragon on the conveyor belt and it winds around
into the shed. Moments later, you hear a loud scream, and then
you see a full-sized dragon emerging from the other end. The
dragon hops off the belt and settles down on the raft, as if to
say that it's content to go wherever you're going.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>sit
You sit down in the captain's chair.
Swamp, on the captain's chair
You have encountered a small iceberg that blocks further
passage to the southwest.
On the raft you see a dragon.
The dragon eyes the obstacle and then sucks in an enormous
breath. When it exhales, a hot jet of fire plays across the
surface of the iceberg, quickly reducing it to just a couple of
ice cubes. Then the dragon gives a polite burp and even the
cubes disappear.
The dragon flies up into the air, dips its wings once in a
salute, and then flies off over the horizon.
You stand up and take a look around.

>sit
You sit down in the captain's chair.
Gnoll Island, on the captain's chair
The tall reeds on the southwestern shore of this small island
are shielding you from some gnolls who are enjoying a quiet
family meal. You are close enough that you can easily overhear
bits of their conversation. A trail leads off to the east.
You stand up and take a look around.
"...And then you jam it in all the way?"
"Yeah. I HATE it when that happens."

>get off raft
You step off the raft.
"Mommy, what's for lunch tomorrow?"
"Sauteed adventurer."
"Oh boy! My favorite!"

>e
Playroom
This is a bizarre playroom, stuffed to the gills with macabre
pieces of equipment. Included among the child-sized instruments
of death and torture are a gallows, a guillotine, a rack, and
an electric chair. The only way out is back to the west.

>put coconut on guillotine
You place the coconut on the guillotine. The blade drops and
takes a clean slice out of it. The top rolls away somewhere,
and when you pick up the coconut, you see a clear white liquid
inside.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>put umbrella in coconut
With the nonchalant flair of someone who has been tending a
poolside bar for years, you drop the umbrella into the coconut.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>put rum in coconut
You pour the contents of the bottle into the coconut. Moments
later, the bottle vanishes.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>w
Gnoll Island
The tall reeds on the southwestern shore of this small island
are shielding you from some gnolls who are enjoying a quiet
family meal. You are close enough that you can easily overhear
bits of their conversation. A trail leads off to the east.
"...And if you do it real quick, its heart is still beating."
"COOL!"

>ne
You climb onto the raft and sit down in the captain's chair.
Phantasy Island, on the captain's chair
This is a lush tropical island, overgrown with exotic bushes
and trees that come right down to the beach. A small path winds
up the hill to the east, ending in front of a large plantation
house that looks as if it were constructed for the sole purpose
of sitting out front and drinking mint juleps.
You see Daddoo and a cage here.
You stand up and take a look around.

>give coconut to daddoo
The midget takes the coconut and takes a small sip.
"WOW!!! Now THAT'S a drink!"
The midget produces a lime from his pocket and says, "You put
de lime in de coconut, DEN you'll feel better..." Then he goes
off into the house. Soon afterwards, he reappears with Mr.
Dourke trailing after him.
"Please accept my most profound apologies, Captain Smirk. I
don't know what it is that came over me."
Dourke produces the Bolt Cutters of Doom and hands them to
you. "Here, my friend. Free your compatriots."
You snip the bolt in half and the cage falls to the ground.
"THE CHAIN!" Dourke yells. "You were supposed to cut the
CHAIN! That bolt is the only thing that holds this island
together. Run for your lives!"
You hear a low rumble, which is quickly followed by a geyser
of water that erupts below your feet, blasting you high into
the air.
You land on the mainland, with a tidal wave bearing down upon
you. You race away from it, tripping and stumbling as you go.
When its fury subsides, you collapse exhausted on the ground
outside a black gate.
[Your score has just gone up by 25.]

Black Gate
Even though it is daytime, this is still a gloomy place. A
large black gate stands across the road that leads to the
witch's castle. The ground here is littered with decaying
grocery bags full of mouldering goods. A cobwebbed skeleton
sits with its back to the gate, its bony hands still clutching
a heart-shaped box.
You see a newspaper here.

>read newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
*** Read all items ***

>put pitchfork in tar
[Removing the pitchfork from the backpack first.]
You plunge the pitchfork into the tar, bend your knees, and
give it a good heave. The tar flies over your shoulder,
wrenching the pitchfork from your hands as it goes. You hear a
**splat** and a roar and you turn around just in time to see an
enraged, tar-covered twelvephant lumbering out of sight.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>throw crowbar at bird
[Removing the crowbar from the backpack first.]
The crow strikes at you, but the magic crowbar intercepts the
slashing talons. The bird's claws involuntarily close around
the bar, and the weight of it pulls him to the ground. Flapping
his wings furiously, he manages to take off again, but he can
only get a few feet into the air. Hopping and fluttering, he
disappears slowly to the northwest, where suddenly a magic
causeway appears, swallows him up, and disappears again.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>put steak in eye
[Removing the steak from the backpack first.]
You slap the steak onto the black eye. Moments later the steak
falls to the ground and vanishes. When you look up, you notice
that the eye has also disappeared!
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>cut lightning with bolt cutters
[Removing the bolt cutters from the backpack first.]
The cutters slice through the lightning bolt like a hot knife
through butter. There is a sudden flash and a clap of thunder,
and not only has the bolt disappeared, but the bolt cutters are
gone as well.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>take candygram
You take the candygram from the skeleton.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>turn moon with wrench
You give the crescent moon a little twist. It slides into
alignment with the stars, and the gate swings open!
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]
Suddenly, a rush of ghostly shapes streams past you. You are
knocked to the ground until the grey whirlwind passes. When you
get up, you see the wicked witch standing in front of you.
"At last!" she cries in triumph. "Those gates were sealed five
thousand years ago by the great wizard Belsnout. He scattered
the keys across Torus so that they could never be assembled
again. But now you have found them and opened the gate so that
all the evil of the Other Side shall be free to roam Torus for
as long as my castle stands." She throws her head back and lets
out a loud screaming cackle.
The small voice in your head says, "Oops."
The witch snaps her fingers, and you suddenly find yourself in
a turret room of her castle.

Turret
The turret is cluttered with all kinds of occult
paraphernalia. An open spell book lies on the table, flanked by
a crystal ball and an hourglass. On the wall you see a skull, a
stuffed owl, a jar containing some eyeballs, and several jars
of gods-know-what.
A full length mirror adorns the far wall.

>turn hourglass
You set the hourglass on its side. The sand stops draining and
the curse is temporarily foiled.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]

>take eyeballs
You take the eyeballs from the jar.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>put eyeballs in skull
You put the eyeballs into the skull. They instantly light up,
and the mirror turns opaque.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>read book
The page appears to be blank.

>hoot
The mirror goes dark and you hear a ghostly voice. "I am the
spirit of the mirror. He who would enter my realm must first
show he can see things as I do."
The voice fades, and some symbols appear on the mirror.
*** Type: IIIVX ***
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
The mirror becomes clear and you can see through it to a dark
passageway beyond.

>w
You step through the mirror to the room beyond.

Passageway
This is a secret passageway that runs between the turret and
the witch's bedroom. The only thing you can make out here is a
chain that is hooked to the ceiling and runs through a hole in
the floor.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>look in hole
You peer down through the hole to the Great Hall below. The
chandelier hangs directly above a small black circle that has
been inscribed on the floor. Other than that, you can't see
much.

>w
Bedroom
The witch's bedroom looks like it belongs to a little girl. An
innocent looking teddy bear sits on the bed, and everything
seems to be three-quarters size. You see a small broomstick
here, and nearby is a dressing table that stands against one
wall. A closed window is set into the west wall, and the secret
passageway leads back to the east.
On the table you see some makeup.

>take makeup
You take the makeup from the table.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>read makeup
It's a pot of green makeup that says on the label, "WARNING:
While it has been demonstrated that this product will eat
through any known metal within thirty minutes, it is perfectly
safe for personal use if used as directed. To apply, first seal
your face with several layers of wax. Make sure you are wearing
insulated gloves. If the makeup comes in contact with your
eyes, flush immediately with cold water, then buy a white cane
and a pair of dark glasses. If the product comes in direct
contact with your skin, we recommend immediate amputation of
the affected area. If you have any complaints about our
products, call 1-800-747-7633. Operators are standing by."

>e
Passageway
This is a secret passageway that runs between the turret and
the witch's bedroom. The only thing you can make out here is a
chain that is hooked to the ceiling and runs through a hole in
the floor.

>wait 1 hour
Time passes...

>wait 11 minutes
Time passes...
*** The time should be exactly 10:30 ***

>put makeup on chain
You smear the makeup on the chain. It immediately goes to work
dissolving the metal. Moments later, the pot pops out of
existence.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>w
Bedroom
The witch's bedroom looks like it belongs to a little girl. An
innocent looking teddy bear sits on the bed, and everything
seems to be three-quarters size. You see a small broomstick
here, and nearby is a dressing table that stands against one
wall. A closed window is set into the west wall, and the secret
passageway leads back to the east.

>open window
You open the window.

>ride broom
You hop on the broom, which immediately flies into the air,
swirling and looping and bucking like an untamed horse.
Suddenly the broom sails out the open window and you find
yourself conducting aerial maneuvers several hundred feet above
the ground. You somehow manage to hang on, and after a while
you coast to a landing outside the black gate, where you
promptly fall off the broom. Looking back, you see skywriting
that traces your wild ride. You can just make out the words,
"Surrender Dorothy" before the smoke fades away.

Black Gate
Even though it is daytime, this is still a gloomy place. The
ground here is littered with decaying grocery bags full of
mouldering goods. A cobwebbed skeleton sits with its back to
the gate.

>ride broom
You hop on the broom, which immediately flies into the air,
swirling and looping and bucking like an untamed horse. You
sail high over the castle and then fly through a small window
and get dumped off the broom onto the floor of a small, dark
room.

Crawlspace
This is a small crawlspace below the Great Hall. There is a
trap door in the ceiling, and a small window in the west wall.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]

>open door
You grasp the ring and pull. The door swings open.

>up
You squeeze yourself up through the door.

You wriggle up through the trap door and get a face full of
white gooey stuff. You wriggle up some more and discover that
you are inside a giant cake! You nibble away enough of the cake
to get a look at your surroundings.

Great Hall (in the cake)
You are in the Great Hall of the witch's castle, hiding in
Princess Lorealle's wedding cake. This will give you an
excellent vantage point from which to view the wedding
ceremony.

>read candygram
It's a bright red, heart-shaped box that has the word
"Candygram" written across it. Underneath the logo there is
some fine print.

>read fine print
Knowing in your heart than only geeks read fine print, you
nevertheless look at the small words.
"WARNING: The Surgeon General of Torus has determined that
this package contains massive explosive charges that will
instantly kill whoever opens it. Therefore it should not be
advertised in magazines, nor sold to minors, although the
government will continue to subsidize its manufacture in the
county of North Caroligna."

>wait 30
[I assume you mean 30 minutes.]
Time passes...
A cheer goes up, and the Great Hall starts to fill with the
most bizarre creatures you've ever seen. Eyestalks, tentacles,
external gills, and other organs are randomly distributed among
them, as if the guests had been created by a giant explosion in
a body parts factory.
After a few moments, the Beast enters and drags Lorealle down
the aisle to stand in front of the minister. She still looks
beautiful, despite her week in captivity. She is dressed in a
pure white gown, and the Whistle of Elyrium still hangs around
her throat.
As a beaming witch looks on, the minister clears his throats
and says, "Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to
witness the bondage of Lorealle to the Beast..." The minister
scratches his horn with one of his fins and then continues
reading the words of the ceremony...
Suddenly the chandelier plummets down from the ceiling. It
scores a direct hit on the beast, and deals Lorealle a glancing
blow. The beast falls to the ground, dead. Lorealle falls as
well, but she doesn't appear to be seriously wounded. The room
erupts in chaos.
Chaos is what you know best. You burst forth from the cake and
cry, "Bejabbers!"
"YOU!" The witch screams. Her goons close in around you.
"Stay back," she commands. "I want to kill him myself." She
pauses and strokes her chin. "But how to do it? These things
must be done... delicately."
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

Great Hall
It is a moment frozen in time. Everyone in the crowd is
staring either at you or at the fallen body of the beast. The
lovely Lorealle has fainted once again. The witch appears to be
coming to some kind of decision.
Do you want to continue waiting? >>n

>give candygram to witch
"A candygram?!? For ME?!? How thoughtful of you."
"Thanks," you reply. "You might want to read the fine print
before you open it."
"Don't be silly. Only geeks read fine print."
She opens the box and the ten pounds of high-explosive
chocolate detonates in her face.
"I'M MELTING!" she screams while trying to lick the gooey
stuff from her chin. "Who'd have thought my lovely wickedness
could be destroyed by some caramel creams?"
She suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke, and you hear a low
rumble as the castle starts to shake.
[Your score has just gone up by 30.]

>take lorealle
Ever so tenderly, you gather the unconscious girl into your
arms.
[Your score has just gone up by 20.]
Pieces of the castle are falling all around you.

>out
You race out of the castle and make a mad dash for freedom. You
are aided in this effort by an explosion from behind which
picks you up as if you were a rag doll and then dumps you
outside the Black Gate.

Black Gate
Even though it is daytime, this is still a gloomy place. The
ground here is littered with decaying grocery bags full of
mouldering goods. A cobwebbed skeleton sits with its back to
the gate.
Suddenly you are caught up in a whirlwind of grey shapes. All
the evil creatures who had escaped earlier in the day are
streaming past you, screeching madly as they are sucked against
their will back into the castle. As the last of them
disappears, the castle walls start to cave in.
The towers and turrets seem to fall in slow motion, as if a
giant hand was grinding them back into the earth. You hear one
final cataclysmic explosion... and then silence. All that
remains of the castle is a pile of smouldering ruins.

>blow whistle
You scan the horizon for the mighty Pegasus. After a while, you
scan it again. Eventually, you see a small dot in the eastern
sky. It grows larger and larger until suddenly it is upon you,
landing in a flurry of wings and feathers.
To your surprise, a large duck has appeared.
"Where's Pegasus?" you ask.
"Lunch break," replies the duck. "I'm covering for him. Well?
Are youse gonna get on or not?"
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]

>get on duck
You deposit Lorealle on the duck and climb up after her.
[Your score has just gone up by 50.]
[You have now achieved a score of 1000 out of 1000 points.]
The magic bird takes off, and soon you are flying high over
Torus. Lorealle awakens from her stupor and says, "Eric! I KNEW
you would come." Before you can reply, the duck suddenly starts
to lose altitude, and you start descending toward's Fudd's
Castle.
===============================================================================
This File have been written by Avi Machness.
for corrections / additions / comments please contact
me at: Machness@surfree.net.il
Note: if you have points lists for any quest,
or can give me more points for this one,
please contact me ASAP.
Thanks, Avi